Everydaystranger

I have a silver box, with etches of scenes of Paris on all 6 sides. The box was a gift, and it contains many, many fine treasures, treasures that are not only exquisite joy but devestating pain. Just opening the box is enough to bring me to my knees, unable to move for hours. It has been the cause of near nervous break-downs and near panic-attacks.

The box contains the love letters and correspondence of the deepest of all kinds of experiences-true love.

And I got to experience it. I had the kind of love that burned and ached, that made the air catch fire and the body sing.

We met in Paris, March 1995. We were both students at the same university, and happened to go to Paris on the same student tour. I will not use our names, mine or his. When needed, I can explain certain references at the end of each letter. But the ache of loving and losing has burdened me for too long. Attached are all the letters that we ever sent each other-we made a pact early on to keep copies of both sides of our correspondence. I understand that his copies no longer exist. But mine certainly do.

You may ask why I choose to post it all, why I am giving it up to the humming lines of the Internet. It is simply because it is too much of a burden for one person to carry any longer. And because, so often in life, we stay in relationships that have gotten staid and stagnant, because it is easier than moving on. It is my hope that these letters will encourage at least one person to have faith that the Great Passion of Their Life is out there, and to start looking themself.

-S

As I said, we met in Paris in March 1995. He asked me out to dinner one night, and I borrowed a dress from one of the other students, and we went to dinner. He took me to a lovely bistro on the Seine. He brought me flowers. We talked all night, then danced a slow dance by the waters of the Seine to the tunes of a saxophone busker. Then we went back to the hotel and sat on the top floor, beneath the skylights, in our pajamas and talked until the sun came up. At which point we showered (seperately) and toured the Louvre together.

I asked him to join me for dinner that night, and he said yes. I took a nap, and when I woke for dinner I found a note under my door. This is where it all begins.

For the sake of anonymity, my name shows up as: S. His name shows up as: K.

March 1995

S-
Sorry I won’t be able to stay for dinner after all. Please make my apologies. I need to see my friends, for I feel they have a few lessons to teach me. The evening we spent together was the high point of my trip. I will always remember Paris, and when I do, I will think of you.
Toujours,
K

This, I thought, warranted a response. So I wrote him a note and slid it under his hotel room door.

K,

I really hope that your letter wasn’t one of those Dear John numbers-I really hate those and they never fail to hurt, even though they’re not supposed to. I have no idea what you really are trying to say to me-words are so arbitrary, and translations so vague. I truly hope we’re still friends, and if not then I really want to tahnk you for your time, companionship, and one of the best dates I think I’ve ever been on. I’m not going to let you off the hook by telling you to come talk to me once you’ve learned from your friends, but you know you can anyway. If friendship is out even, then I guess Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart had it right.

-S

A letter the next morning, slid under the door of my hotel room.

S-
I don’t know if this will be, as you said, a long letter, but there were still a few things I wanted to say.

You were right. I did give you a rather vague answer the other night, and that is not like me. I wanted to spend the evening with you because I find you exceptionally beautiful and extremely intelligent. Could one have need of more reason?

These things I wanted to write for you, because the written word never changes. If you ever have doubt, revisit this letter and know these words to be true.

Yours,
Always,
K

Then the holiday was over. The group left Paris, and it was back to the real world. K was definitely on my mind a lot, but I knew it wouldn’t work. He did send me flowers to my job (a bookstore). The card said: “In a perfect world, you wouldn’t have to work on your birthday. I may not be able to create a perfect world, but I continue to try.” We met up for a possible date, and we talked a long time. Then he scheduled another date, but I lost my nerve. He left me a voice mail on my answering machine about where he would be, and I am ashamed to say I stood him up. One day, he passed me in the hallway at school and handed a parcel to me-he had drawn pictures of me and him at the Louvre. I knew I couldn’t get him out of my mind, so I called him. “A voice form the past…” he said, upon realizing it was me. We went to Shakespeare in the Park. It had begun.

One day I returned back to my flat (I lived on campus at the university I attended) and found a letter slid under my front door, with my cat, Nick, looking very interested.

5 August 1995

Dearest S,

I hope that it doesn’t freak you out that I came over and slid a note under your door while you were gone, but I wanted to know that someone was thinking of you in your absence.

Thinking of the way you tilt your head sometimes, and look at something out of the corner of your eye that no one else can see. Or your secret smile so rare, yet all the more apprciated.

Thinking of the way you laugh on occasion, and knowing that angels are listening, taking lessons. Or the envy the moon must feel to see the ease wíth which you cast a light on the gloom.

Then I wonder: what kind of world is this that conspires to leech all these qualities out of you? What demons poke at your soul with sharp sticks, and why must it be so? I would fight your demons for you S, if I could. It is, perhaps, the one thing I am good at.

In the meantime, each smile, each glance, each laugh becomes that much more precious to those who are fortunate enough to stand in your light, and smart enough to let themselves be illuminated by it.

Until such time as I hope to be….

….Yours,
K.

Then he sent me on a treasure hunt around campus. I followed his first, second, and third clue. In each drop, was a leaf he had written on for me. They said:

- When I was in France I missed not being able to see the stars every night.
- Now that I am back, I miss not being able to see you every night.
- I find that I would gladly trade one for the other.

With a final note, tied to a rosebud, which said:
-Everything opens up if the sun shines on it a little.

I wrote him back then:

14 August 1995:

Dear Rick [as in "Casablanca],

I miss Casablanca. It’s true that we’ll always have Paris, but why cant we also have Kenya, Oslo, the Galapagos Islands? Tell me that someday we’ll travel again. Tell me you’ll try to be careful while in Russia, knowing that I’ll miss you while you’re gone. Remember that I always have a Chinese placemat for you.

Toujours,
Elsa

PS-I still want the Louvre with you. Is there still hope?

I also mailed him another letter, the same date.

14 August 1995
Cher K,

A special person once told me that the written word never lies. So often, when I write people, I tell them more than I ever intended. In your case, I think there’s more that I need to tell you than you have.

Somehow, over time, you have become my confidante, my friend, and above all, somehow, you have become my protector. I know that if somehow I ever get into a battle and can’t carry the flag that you’ll be right there to help me with it again. And I’ve grown to take comfort in our odd hour-long evening talks.

So while I’m gone, know that someone across the country is thinking about you. Be good while I am gone. Nick says to tell you that he misses you and he loves the dining room now.

And one more thing-I often find it so amazing when I meet someone and find myself able to talk about anything and everything with them. COngratulations. I promise to always have a listening ear for your, Chief, if you promise to always have one for me. Miss me a little bit, ok? And know how much you mean to me-and please don’t ever forget that.

Toujours,
S

21 August 1995:

I flew to visit family in another location then, and he sent me a card, saying “Miss you, but trying to keep it to just “a little”, as per your request. Hope your trip was all that and I’ve been thinking of you lots. I want to hear all about Felix. Until then, I remain-
-Yours Always,
K

I wrote him back

21 August 1995:

Mon Cher,
It seems we both have many secrets. Yet one of my bst and perhaps most endearing qualities is that the one thing that I judge in a person is the warmth and sincerity of their heart. The only thing you could tell me to make me fear you is:
A) you killed my family
B) You were once Anna Nicole Smith
C) Everything you’ve ever told me was a lie

Since I know none of these bear any truth, I will never cast you away for things in the past. I couldn’t-you haven’t heard my past. You are the most generous person I know of. Not only do you give to you friends but you give to me. You make me feel beautiful, and you make me feel treasured. Above all, you let me know that it’s ok to be insane in an otherwise stable life.
Sometimes I’m so afraid to trust you-and yet we trusted each other as virtual strangers in a foreign country. Metaphorically speaking, if I can be lost anywhere with anoyone I would choose you to be lost with. I have no fear for my safety, and well-being. I fear for others around me, though. Please be careful.

I wonder how I have grown to make you such a part of my life. I wonder why you would want to be such. I have always been in awe of the passion and emotions you always hold in check. Will I see them someday, I wonder? Will you ever be as generous with the unveiling of yourself as you are with the consideration you give?

I am not a quest, though, mon cher. The hurt and anger I have are mine to fight-I could never ask another to endure any of my ongoing sagas in my life. Save me from myself perhaps-but the world needs someone to cry for it. I have always taken the martyr path to be that person.

You are a gift I think-you have always respected the privacy of my home, and you have always forgiven me. Am I real or are you? I wonder how you know me. Please don’t go.

Toujours,
S

PS- I’ve never been afraid of water. I’ve always loved it, in fact.

I heard nothing more, so I mailed him a letter.

22 August 1995

Cher K,

There is so much passion, I think, in the pen. It seems as though the heart and hand can join and allow things-ponderances, wonders-to flow through that the head would never allow. Forgive me if I ramble. It seems I am prone to such.

I received no letter from you in my absence. Does that mean you never thought of me? A dear person once left me a note while I was gone to let me know I was being thought of-I wondered if you subscribed to the same view.

I wish you could’ve been there to see the ocean. A blue, so stratling that it seems imaginary. Hot sand that sifts through your fingers. A gentle breeze with that robust salt taste and a sun so warm it beckons you to raise your face to it. Naturally, since that’s what I think I was born to do, it’s what I did. I think you would have enjoyed it.

I wonder sometimes about you. Why you see, so secretive, and everything is a “long story”. Time so often is irrelevant. I have the time to give if you want to speak. I wonder why you feel you must carry around so many secrets when you tell me you are so trusting (yes, I know-pot callling the kettle black there!) I think sometimes beneath your quiet you’re really quite loud, and maybe your thoughhts send you spinning sometimes.

But I apologize for being so presumptuous, and for rambling, as well. It is late, and I am prone to being too generous. I hope you received my previous letter, and I hope you got to read one of the world’s most gentle peoms.

I was just wondering if you got lost somewhere…

Toujours,
S

22 August 1995:

Dearest S,

It’s funny, sometimes, I need only think of you and smile.

After reading your letter I was struck by how careful we are both being with our words. How intentionally vague. And that in itself is unusual for me. Normally I just say what I feel; full speed ahead and get the whiners below decks. Sometimes I think I’ll just crack and spill my guts. I know I’m holding a lot back, but I’m a poorly made dam at best. Here and there little fissurese opne up and a little trickles out, such as:
A) I’m happy when I’m around you
B) I’m terrified of you

The problem with sub-standard dams is that the people near them always feel nervous (and with good reason). If I ever opened up completely and let forth that flood, I don’t think you’d still want to know me. Yes the water is clean and clear on top, but down below, in the depths, it is cold and brackish.

I often refer to this as my second life. This is the life where I do my penance for all the istakes I made in my first life. In this life I keep me to a minimum and think of others. Seek out evil and eradicate it. Search for the weak and champion them. Find the hurt and heal them.

And without gratification. For to take pleasure is to lose merit. But above all I’ve tried to do my work i nsilence, not opening up to anyone, or letting anyone become special to me. And that was the easiest part of my crusade. Until recently.

So no, not at any point in time would I ever think you were a fruit-loop (is there supposed to be a hyphen there? I’d go to the stoe to check, but I’d probably get all bolluxed up and end up staring at cereal for 2 hours). No matter what you tell me. That would make me something of the hippocrite. I remember a time in Paris, I don’t think we had even passed a dozen words yet, and I teased you about how much “baggage” you were carrying. I knew right then, somehow, that most of the people you had ever really cared about had mistreated you. I also knew that I would give anything to be the exception.

OK, cards on the table time: yes it started out as another windmill that I wanted to tilt at. But somehow I wasn’t careful, or I let my guard down, and it transformed itself into something else entirely. Sompletely.

Now I feel a little like that flower (I know I’m really going out on a limb, but if I could just get it all out in one letter) in that poem you gave me. Its been in the dark a long time and its been closed, and thats no problem because it really doesn’t know the difference. Then a little light shines on it and it opens up, reflexively, at first, but then it learns to enjoy the light, to want the light to shine a little longer.

You’re that light, S. I’ve always thought of you that way. I don’t know if anyone else sees it, or feels it the way I do, but its there, whether you realize it or not.

So a few cracks in the dam. A little water gets out. But then it was you who inspired this letter. I figured that anyone brave enough to fly into the face of a hurricane surely wouldn’t be concerned about a little water.

Yours in Thought,
K

28 August 1995

S don’t lost sight of the bigger picture. You are not alone. Always remember that I’m thinking about you whether you are in A- or far away.

-K

4 September 1995

Cher,

In a world of cautiousness, I am perhaps the worst at ever letting people know how much they mean to me in words other than those like “friend” and all of the other norms that our society accepts as “safe”. And so, like you so bravely did before, I will spell it all out as well.

Above all, I have to thank you for always being so patient and so willing to listen to my wafting problems and insecurities. Of all people I know, you are perhaps the most generous and the most patient that I have ever met. They are enviable qualities, my friend. Ones I often wish I had. And you have never pressured me or told me that anything I think or say or do is unacceptable. From day one, you have been a rock to me. Whenever I have been unsure of the tides in life, you have been my lighthouse and my beacon.

I wonder how it is, in my life, that I have always been plagued by nightmares of indescribable horror. And yet last night, you were in my dream protecting me. Can you save me from myself, I wonder? Can you find the sould I lost so long ago? Of anyone, I trust you with the quest.

I also wonder how I find myself composing letters to you at the strangest and least expected of times. Telling you things that I don’t tell other people. Letting you see parts of me that no others have seen.

You are so important to me and I don’t think I’m good at telling yo uthis. I can find the words to say anything except for the things people need to hear. You are, to me, the water in which rescue is possible. I’m ready for the flood.

-S

10 September 1995

Mon Cher,

I know I am not as good at keeping up at writing as you are. But I hope you know that, in my mind, I am always compsing letters to you. If my hands could just find the time to accommodate my mind, then your mailbox would be overflowing with things that I think to tell you.

So how is it that you sneak into my thoughts so often? Do you know that I smile when I think of you? Do you know that I often wonder what you are doing throughout the day, and how your day has been treating you? It’s so odd that I have you in my life, and yet I don’t have a name for you, a role for you, a category into which you neatly fit. And the odd part is, you don’t need one. You just are.

And then sometimes, when I forget to turn off the analytical parts of my brain, I wonder how it is that we entered each other’s lives. We’re so different, and yet we’re so much alike. In my world, that has never happened. How about in your world?

And sometimes I wonder how it is that you had to enter my life now. Where were you before? I almost become bitter about life wondering why it is that you couldn’t have saved me several years ago, before the best and most idealistic parts of me were torn away. I wish you could’ve seen how once I was so optimistic. Once I think I had everything to offer the world. And you have the misfortune to see me now, when I am almost too bitter to let anyone new in my life. I guess your timing was just right then, my dear. You got in just in time. I hope you feel this too. And besides, I think we must go through hell and pain before we are allowed to feel any joy again.

You are almost sacred to me. I’ve always believed that when you find something wonderful in life that you must be careful not to overuse it or to hurt it (you know, karmic retribution). I could never hurt you. Always remember that.

So now I feel I have truly vindicated myself and laid it all out. Don’t use me or break me, please. I don’t think my sould could survive it again.

Toujours,
S

12 September 1995

Dearest S,

All is quiet here and I am thinking of you, and so put pen to paper.
I have been wondering of late how you make the time we spend together seem so magical. Not magiic in the sense that some illusion or slight of hand is taking place, but good, honest witchcraft.
Thursday night when you slept in my arms I thought I could not be more content. And then you kissed me. And that was more than I could have hoped for. So much so that I cannot even find a word to describe it. I’ve poured through all the popular lexicons, but no combination or mefer consonants and vowels comes close to expressing how you make me feel, or what you mean to me.

-K

17 September 1995

Dearest S-

Usually, people only say this when something horrible happens, but I can’t believe this is happening to me. I thought I had everything all worked out. I thought I had nothing to lose. I was wrong.
When you asked me what I wanted and I told you I wanted my life back, I didn’t even think it was a remote possibility. I was wrong again. One night with you in my arms has changed everything.
I’m notsaying these things because I want you to love me. The truth is, I don’t want you to love me and I don’t want to love you. I want something better. We’ve both loved people before, and where are they now? I meant it when I said that I wanted us to have a relationship that would be totally different than anything two people have ever had before.
I want to know you so well that I’m aware of when you give you space, when to hold you close. When to step in and help you with a problem, when to let you handle it yourself. I want to know your soul, and (pause, deep breath), I want you to know mine.
And I want to be your lover. There exists inside of me an ache that I never thought I’d feel again. Once again I was wrong. You are the only one who can heal this ache, because you created it. This longing exists for you and only you, and only you can satisfy it.
Perhaps this won’t last forever, but what does? Let’s revel in the time we have, where I remain…

…Yours, Always,
-K.

On the 22nd of September, 1995, we had an argument-our first. K was planning on going away to Russia to look someone up, he had a debt to repay that he couldn’t turn his back on, and had no concrete plans of when he would be coming back. This did not sit well with me.

23 September 1995

Mon Cher,

I am waiting for you to call right now. You are due to come over this evening, and in light of the sorrow and trials we faced last night, I can’t help but wonder, as the hours drag on, if you are truly going to come tonight…I thought it was necessary to write and tell you how much I feel for you still. How my heart shudders when I think of being near you and how my breath catches at the sound of your sigh at night when I touch you in your sleep.
There is somehow a large barrier between us now I feel, and more than life itself I want it to go away. I want us to be free again-together. You said last night that you were close to a breakdown, and I know this is hard for you. I can’t believe you could hold something inside of you and never tell a soul-has no one loved you like I do?…If this is a ploy, it is working. I am here for you still.
We can do this, my love. We can hold on and never let go if we choose we can still have each other. There is a higher power in two people who have what we have. I can see gods in what we share. There is no more punishment and no more penance, and this is not going to end in order to tear our souls and let them bleed our faith.
Make this work with me. Want me as I want you. Need me as much as I need you…You have become a presence in my every thought, somehow listening and observing everything I do. You are there when I cannot face the day anymore. You are there when my soul is turbulent. When I close my eyes, I cannot see loving another the way I love you. If I cannot have you beside me, then I can never want again.
I think I speak too much of these things. In light of your admission last night that seldom need reassurance, I suppose I just wanted you to always have a way to read a part of my essence, so when I am far you can reopen these letters and find a way into my heart all over again.
Days are passing, and I remain…
…Yours,
-S.

23 September 1995

Dearest S,

A few words…
I’m not always good at expressing myself, I’m sorry. But to try and figure out what I’m feeling only compounds the problem. I must tell you that I was hurt because you thought there may be some duplicity in my motives. There is not. All my feelings for you are real, as are their consequences.
Last night I saw how far I could fall. You lifted me with so little effort that I never noticed how far up I was. Then I looked down, and for the first time I experienced fear, and wondered if I should have reserved something, or made sure there was a net to fall into. But I haven’t been able to hold back my feelings where you are concerned, and I don’t want to try. I always want to be uninhibited towards you. Someday soon, no matter how high we go, we will not need a net or fear the fall, because trust will grant us wings, with which to fly.
Love Always,
-K.

30 September 1995
My Love,

As you read this I am somewhere far away, thinking of you.
You have redefined the meaning of “far away” for me. It used to mean miles, driving, letters. Now far away is the length of my arm. If I cannot reach out and touch you, I feel like I’m on the other side of the galaxy.
And no matter what time you pick up this note, the first sentence will be true, because I think of you constantly.
Always (always) know that whereever I am and whatever I’m doing, I am directing all my efforts toward being back by your side.
All My Love,
-K.

8 OCtober 1995
Mon Cher,

There is a secret silence in my heart that you possess. When you are far, the silence is gone and chaos reigns in headiness as I struggle through the day. The moment you are near I feel peace. The very scent of you capitulates me into serenity. Your touch, the feel of you stroking my hair…it fills me with a quietness that I have never known.
A quietness, that when you look at me, makes me burst into flame in the most intimate corners of my body. Throughout the day I carry those images, of limbs entangled and heads arched back, and each time I think about it a fire ignites inside of me and makes me quiver in the most primal and needy of ways.
What have you done to me?
Do what you want to me, Mon Cher. I will lift you up to places if yuo help me. See and feel my dreams. You are so deep in me it is almost dangerous.
You told me once you are not afraid of the water, and that I shouldn’t be, either. I am not-but I desire the dam to break as much as I desire our fire to consume us.
Toujours,
-S.

We decided to move in together. I moved into his flat in Dallas. It was lovely…

17 October 1995

Dearest S,

I’m trying to focus here, but it’s difficult. Today was a suck day at my job, but I smiled all day because of you. I’m almost convinced you are real, my dear.
It is chilly outside and I am looking forward to holding you in my arms. A fireplace would be so nice.
Would you like to camp-out with me sometime? Often I like to pitch a tent on Saturday night out at the field. I’ve got the place all to myself and you would be the perfect company. I’d even cook (gasp!)
I look forward to the room and wonder if any other person in here is as lucky as me. Probably not, since there is only one you.
-K.

22 October 1995
My Love,

You are nothing short of a miracle to me. Here I am, having just spent the entire day with you, and it’s still not enough.
Yes, it’s true, I always hold you in my heart. But there is no substitute for holding you in my arms. Il y a no replacement for kissing your lips. No surrogate for caressing your face.
You have become so essential to me. I need you more than you will EVER know. You have awakened in me something which has been dormant for an age. Now the very warmth that you give keeps it alive, and helps it to grow, exponentially, every day.
This is all so new to me, S. I’m not used to relying on anyone, and I wonder if you realize how important you have become to me.
It is late, and soon I will see you, so I will close. But I wanted you to have these words, and put them in that special place in your heart where you put the things that you to know to be true.
All My Love,
Always,
-K.

26 October 1995
My Dearest S,

I just wanted to drop you a short note to let you know how proud I am of you. These past few weeks have been very difficult, yet you have persevered.
I have always known, since the first time I spoke with you that you were a strong person, though Allah knows that you have been sorely tested during your short life.
I love you, bien sur, but I also respect and admire you. Above all, know always that I am here for you. No matter how trivial or monumental the probloem, I want to help.
I think I was born to be yours, S. And thus do I want to remain…
…Until Death,
-K.

5 November 1995
Mon Cher,

I haven’t been able to write you for some time, and I felt it was necessary to tell you again, in writing, how much you mean to me.
Last night I had a wonderful evening with you-it would be a pleasure of sublime dimensions to me if I could spend such time with you again soon. You somehow make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world when I am with you. At the restaurant I felt as though the world consisted only of you and I and I swear I could die happy with such conditions. The way you looked at me, spoke to me, and kissed me…
There is something so animal inside of me where you are concerned. I spend a great deal of time thinking about what we are like when we’re together…often, in class, I find I have to close my eyes…Is it possible that I want you so much? Can a person want another too much? It seems impossible, giving our bodies is the best way humans have to convey love.
And, Mon Cher, you own me. My heart and soul and body. They are yours to explore, and divulge in. May you always want to explore me…
…Toujours,
-S.

24 November 1995
My Love,

I know it seems of late that we have precious little time to spend together. The only consolation I can give you is that you are always with me in my thoughts, and my desire to be with you has not waned. It matters not where I am but I yearn to be with you. If anything, you have become more dear to me, and your absence that much more acute.
I love you, S. And that bond is so strong that it will stretch no matter how far apart we are. If I have to go the ends of the world, I know I will still feel that invisible thread that connects us.
Only since I met you have I allowed myself to think about the future. And on the rare occasions when I do, I see us together (and the mammal menagerie), somewhere in the countryside, in a little house with a fireplace and time enough for love. And I hoard this vision, like pirates bury treasure, for fear that the world will see it and take it away from me. But with you I share it, for without you the image does not exist and the future is meaningless. I want you…
…Always,
-K.

Christmas 1995 was spent apart-I was with my family.

17 December 1995
Mon Cher,

I hate this. I hate being so far away from you, knowing that tonight we are both falling asleep alone. I haven’t ever been away from you for so long at such a distance. Is this, perhaps, a trial run? A test for the future? Have you realized that we haven’t spent a night apart in over 2 months? I feel as though I have always been curled against you in my sleep, though.
It’s hard for me to leave, though. Not being able to talk about all of the minute details of our day. Not being able to kiss you goodbye in the morning. I love you dearly, Mon Cher. I miss you terribly already, and long to smell the scent of your skin. And I can’t wait until I see you again at the airport, where I can hold you close and convince myself that you’re real.
Until I can hold you again…
…Toujours,
S.

18 December 1995
S, My Angel, My Love,

As you are reading this I am missing you. Missing the way you touch me, take care of me, please me. Your absence leaves a void that cannot be filled. It will seem like forever to me until your return. Come home to me soon and never leave.
All My Love,
-K.

25 December 1995
Mon Cher,

Although we are far apart in miles today, I know that we are right beside each other today as we always are together. Miles, it seems, mean nothing. I love you so completely and can’t wait until I see you again…All of who I am, my heart, mind, soul, body, my every thought longs to be near you again…
All of these things are what I live for. You give me so many gifts every day. You give me so much-you always have. I remember our night in Paris, the Louvre, Shakespeare in the Park. I remember our long, all-night phone conversations, and I remember the first time we kissed. What I DON’T remember is the first time I knew I loved you mor ethan life itself. Perhaps it’s because I have ALWAYS, deep in my heart, loved you that way.
Dream of me and long for me, Mon Cher, as I am doing for you.
Until we can be wrapped in each others arms again…
…Toujours,
-S.

26 January 1996
Mon Cher,

So I’m sitting here thinking about you, and wondering how you are and what you’re doing. Wondering if you’re running around the house with Alexi, drinking hot tea, and soaking up the warmth of your pajamas. I’m here in class, wondering why I’m here, what this will have to do with my life, or what purpose this class has. All around me people are sleeping, balancing checkbooks, or making out grocery lists. Perhaps there is not real point to any of this, including this letter, save for the chance to show that I’m thinking of you and wonderinig why you’re so far away. You are, as always, the central part of my soul-always hidden there, warming me. You are so seldom in trouble, you know. I’m sorry if my rough days bear down too hard on you. I, too, feel badly when you’ve had a crummy day, so I can relate to your feelings.
All My Love,
Toujours,
-S.

28 January 1996
My Angel, My Love,

I felt an urgent need to respond to your most recent letter. I don’t want you to feel that the things you do are pointless. I’m VERY proud of your accomplishments. It is so rare that anyone finishes their degree at 22 anymore. Sure, often a class or a whole semester might seem pointless, but the experience and the mental scar tissue you come away with are so valuable in the real world. And if nothing else you can look down your nose at everyone who has never put forth the effort. Ultimately, nobody cares what you took or how you did. All they care about is that you toughed it out. You saw your goal through despite a myriad of obstacles. And I have no doubt that you will continue on and obtain your Master’s Degree and Doctorate. I just have that much faith in you.
But it’s not just school that makes me proud of you. It’s also the way you take care of the living things around you. Nick, Alexi, and Sam probably have the best lives any two mammals and a reptile ever had. Not to mention the wild birds and plants. And of course I would be utterly lost without you. I cannot justify the way you take care of me. It is unfounded. To me you are nothing short of a phenomena. Yet you do all these things with a quiet, unsung grace.
Stop where you are for a moment. See yourself the way I see you and revel in your triumphs. Then take another moment to relish the fray you’ve been tossed into (they may not all be this challenging). But above all know that I love you immeasurablyand that I always think of you as my brave little soldier.
I Will Love You Always,
-K.

That night, K severely injured himself pulling a nail out of the wall. It went straight into his left eye, and forever screwed up his vision.

29 January 1996
Mon Cher,

It seems that when you make comeback by writing me you do so with an unrivaled presence that astonishes me. I found a beautiful letter on my windshield, and it was so supportive, loving and gentle that I was simply floored. I was captivated by the first few sentences, and was more and more touched as I followed through. I cannot tell you how much your letter meant to me and how thankful I am to know that you believe in me.
This past weekend has been so hard on you, and I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this pain and discomfort. But this weekend has been hard on me, too-I can’t express how horrible and powerless I felt to see you go through this. It was killing me to see you in so much pain…I never want you to have to hurt like that again. I hope, in the future, that if either of us must be hurt, it should be me. I can deal with myself being in pain-I cannot accept you being in pain. But you have been such a trooper- I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you for putting up such a brave front over the weekend, and above all for allowing me to take care of you. I hope, throughout our lives, that you will continue to let me do so.
And, My Love, once I have finished my education, all I want is for you and I and the mammal menagerie to spend our lives together. Then, finally, my dreams will be complete, and then we can shut the door on the demons of our past, and absorb the warmth of an unknown, unmapped future. Together.
All My Love,
Toujours,
-S.

29 January 1996
My Dearest,
Too long, I know, has it been since my pen met paper in praise of the wonders that you are to me.
Now, with the scent of you still on me and the memory of your naked body lodged firmly in my mind and heart, I feel I can finally loose the words inside of me.
When I am with you, I am so content. I think I know now what I want the rest of my life. It’s a strange feeling because I’ve never thought of the future before.
Now you are my future. All the thoughts I have include you somehow. All the plans I make have you factored in.
I cannot imagine being without you. You are the best friend, and the best lover I’ve ever had. I never want to be without you.
I love you. I will always love you.
-K.

7 February 1996
My Love,

I had to stop what I was doing a moment ago because I experienced such a swelling of love at the thought of you. My chest got tight and I wished that you were here with me. Not necessarily making love, or touching at all. Just being here with me.
I have never wanted to be around someone so much as I want to be close to you. I wonder if it’s healthy. It certainly goes against my unflagging commitment to the law of diminishing return. Maybe I’ve just never been in love, or been loved back like this before.
Yours Always,
-K.

13 February 1996
My Dearest,

I am wondering many things tonight.
Firstly, I am wondering what I did to deserve you. I cannot tacitly recall a specific act of heroism or sundry good deed that I could link such good fortune to. Perhaps it was something I accomplished in a former life, and I’m being rewarded in this one. It is true that I believe the deed is its own reward, but compensation is also a fine thing.
I am also wondering how you put up with me sometimes. I know I am not the easiest person to get along with sometimes, because I don’t react to much, and I’m sure you need that occasionally. I, like you, am trying to change though.
-K.

18 February 1996
S,
Just a quick note to let you know how I feel: you are my world, my love, my everything. You have, for me, redefined the word forever, and for that I will love you always.
-K.

21 February 1996
Mon Cher,

I think back to our weekend in New Orleans so often. I think of Saturday with the electricity in the air. I thought of you and your body all day…
Above all, I find my body tingling and aching, thinking of the night we spent together in the French Quarter…your arms around me, alcohol burning heat in our stomachs and the feel of lust and passion running in our blood. I think of watching you in the streetlamps. I think of you holding me tight as we struggled through Bourbon Street. You kept me safe, as you always do.
The weekend was wonderful, if not long enough. I would give anything to sneak away from everyone and everything like that again, and to just be with you in a place where we have no obligations, responsibilities, or people that we know.
I can’t wait to have that again, less than 3 weeks from now in Italy. I hope we’ll be able to find that perfect little sphere again, where there is only you and I, and everyone else in the world is welcome to go along their own way, as long as everything is separate.
Do you know how much I still love and desire you?
Toujours,
-S.

Undated-
My Dearest,

Just a short note to let you know how much I appreciate you.
I can’t even begin to list all the things that you do for me, and just how irreplacable you have become. Approaching our first anniversary, I stop to think that one year ago I would never have pictured myself in a relationship where I am loving and trusting so completely.
So from this day forth, to the ending of the world…
…All My Love,
-K.

8 April 1996
Mon Cher,

Hello, dear boy. Just an encouraging note to tell you that I love you and hope your long day was fine. Unfortunately, we have lost that extra hour of sleep. Fortunately, this week will hopefully be low-key for both of us and perhaps we can spend out evening quietly going about our lives-Scouts, cleaning, studying, reading…normalcy, yes? I was going to ask you if perhaps we can go camping in the field an upcoming weekend-I’d like to spend an evening under the stars with you.
Are we having fun yet, in our lives? I know it seems that we never have a day off (jeez, I LOVE those days when we get to sleep in and make love at our leisure, followed by walking around in our pajamas and eating a full, warm breakfast) and when we do, these days are so rare that we no longer know what to do with ourselves! I really do think that it’s not a good idea for you to work every day of the week-take it a little easier, ok?
I love you, you know. Even if you do make me mad at you in the middle of the night.
Toujours,
-S.

3 May 1996
Mon Cher,

Life has gotten you down a bit, I think. It shouldn’t though, My Love. There are so many constants in your life-hot tea, some loving from me, a bad dog, jello and brownies…just thought maybe you needed a reminder that some parts of your life are still good. We have even established some traditions of our own-a snack when you get home, cuddling at night, a trip overseas every March. I’m looking forward to England now. And Fourth of July. Bastille Day…Christmas…I love being with you, as you know. You make me happy, My Love.
You’re my life, my thoughts, my very breath. I can’t wait to spend my life with you, and as we’ve already started, I know that we have such an adventure ahead of us. I plan on marrying in every country-in our own, private ceremony, as we did in Venice. I have never loved as much as I love you. I know this always, as I hope you do, too.
Toujours,
-S.

8 May 1996
My Dearest,

I know I haven’t written in some time, but let me assure you my love for you has never been stronger.
Because you sometimes wonder, let me state this clearly: I’m very happy in our relationship. Other than our lack of closet space, the dog, and broken down cars, I’m content.
There are not words enough to express how well ou take care of me. Cooking, celaning, making tea. But above all, keeping me completely sexually satisfied. You are the best, most energetic, original, enthusiastic lover I have ever had.
Sometimes, I know, I’m pre-occupied or already late to be somewhere else, but it doesn’t distract from our time. I love those times when we’re finally together, nowhere to go, and nothing to do. Just to hang around and watch pirate cable, read a book, or make love at a leisurely pace.
True, these times are not numerous enough, but we have busy lives. Someday we’ll have a place and a time and life to ourselves where we answer to no one but each other, and of course, the dog.
Till Then,
Love,
-K.
PS- I just had a strong recollection of being in Milan at the airport, talking to the clerk at the Avis desk. I can’t believe that we were actually considering driving all the way to Venice!

24 June 1996
My Dearest,

I wanted to say thank you for all the things you have done for me lately.
Thank you for helping me fill out all those job apps. The process is so daunting to me, to see you do it, it’s like, well, you’re my hero.
And thanks for helping me write our screenplay. Even though we haven’t gotten very far, I think we have something.
I’m a little depressed, true, but don’t take it personally. I’ve explained it all to you, and it’s just me feelings there are some shortcomings in my life.
One thing that I’m not disappointed about though, and that is having you around. You are not only a good person to be in love with, you are also a good person to be best friends with.
I know sometimes we have differences in opinion, but even so I’ve never had a relationship where I’ve been able to spend so much time (amicably) with the other person before.
Yet I’m still amazed when we’re apart and I think of you, how intense those feelings are. Or when we’re together and I look at you. I’m still surprised when I realize that I’m the person that gets to make love to you.
What you see in me I’ll never know, but what I see in you is simple purity of heart.
Right now I am looking forward to coming home to you, making love to you or just holding you while you sleep.
I am still very much in love with you.
-K.

5 July 1996
My Dearest,

I am in the midst of this deposition and all I can think of is you. What I would not have given to stay with you in bed another hour, dozing off and on, tangled up in each other. I am still as much in love with you as I was the day we met in Paris.
-K.

15 July 1996
My Darling, My Love, My Other Half,

Just a few lines, as my circumstances permit no more, but coming directly from the heart.
Despite my recent preoccupied nature my feelings for you are as strong as ever. Even though you are often mercurial (to put it kindly) I still think of you as my rock to cling to in stormy seas. Or my North Star, watching over me constantly, as I, a (somewhat) wise man slouch my way toward Bethlehem, to see what rough beast, its hour come round at last, waits to be born. This beast can I face and conquer with you at my side. And then like St. George will I strike down all of our foes, build you the castle you deserve, and put you upon its throne.
With you I do not fear the future. On the contrary, I look forward to the challenge of proving ourselves. Showing people that we are two people, but one entity, a powerful united front.
Say you’ll always be there with me, and I’ll protect you from the leerers who peer through the windows.
All My Love,
-K.

24 July 1996
My Love,

It’s occured to me that in all of the letters I’ve ever witten to you, I have probably said all of the things that I have ever needed to say to you. All of the emotions that I feel for you, all of the feelings I have, be they physical or emotional, have been put on paper for your heart and eyes to absorb.
But I wonder if these kinds of feelings can ever be expressed too much? Can I telly you how I feel about you too often?
This letter serves as a reminder of everything that I have ever felt for you in every way.
I love you so completely, My Love.
This was just a reminder.
Toujours,
-S.

30 July 1996
My Love,

While I’m away this weekend remember that I am thinking of you and missing you. I yearn for the tender touch of your skin and the pressure of your lips when I am only 2 feet away, let alone 2 states. You are, as ever, a constant comfort to me, and a reminder that in a world like ours, there are still some sources of good left to us.
I was driving to school today thinking about you. About “our story”-how many others can list Paris as the place that they met? When asked to describe you, I hesitate to say that there are no words to describe all that you are and all that you mean to me. My Everything, perhaps? My Forever? My Other Half? All of these words work, yet they still aren’t enough. You are all of these things and so much more. I know now that with you beside me I will never want for anything more. I have no trepidation regarding the future, only hope and anticipation. I know that with you, My Love, all things are possible.
So while I’m distanced from you, know that my heart remains wherever you are, as do my soul and mind. I hope that your body aches for me at night as much as mine will ache for you, and I hope that your arms will be as frustrated as mine when they seek me out in the night and find nothing there.
Tu es le centre de mon coeur, Mon Cher. Et je t’aimerais toujours, comme je t’aime maintenant.
Toujours,
-S.

2 August 1996
Dearest S,

When you read this you will be far away from me, but still close to my heart. This place will seem so empty without you here.
I will do my best to hold down the fort, but you’d better not be gone too long.
Remember the last time you went to Kansas? My memory may be mis-firing as usual, but it seems to me we were not yet sleeping together, but were in that stage where it is a forgone conclusion. I would have never thought then that we would be where we are now: travelling together, planning for the future. I really didn’t think I wanted that kind of relationship, and the truth is I probably wouldn’t have done it for anyone but you.
It wasn’t just that I wanted you (although that was a large factor), it was also that you seemed to want me. I knew early in our relationship that we would be friends, and I hoped we would be lovers, but I honestly never thought you would care for me as deeply as you do.
Here’s hoping your trip to Arkansas is amusing and not too stressful. Remember how much I care for you and how I am awaiting your return.
All My Love,
-K.

9 September 1996
My Love, My All,

Although we have not had as much time together of late, my feelings for you do not wane.
You still move me emotionally and physically as much at this moment as you did when we met. I still feel you as much in my heart today as I did that night we sat in the little Bistro in Ft. Worth.
True our relationship has changed, and probably will continue to change in the future, but I see that as a beneficial thing. Evolution is important to the survival of everything. I don’t think either of us is thrileld with this particular stage, but it hasn’t been going on too long, and I think it will be over soon.
I know most of the blame is on me. I don’t express my emtoions like other people. Many times I don’t even have an emotional response in situations where I probably should. This can be very hard on people around me. They often interpret it as ambivalence, but really it’s not. I can only attribute it to perhaps seeing too much in my life, and the circuits that are supposed to respond are just blackened husks. There aren’t many things I’m going to see as a crisis or emergency. I’m probably not going to be shocked or frightened, and there is little likelihood that I’m going to worry. None of the above mean I don’t care. I do care, and I think you can see it in my actions on a day to day basis.
So bear in mind that things will change. I’m trying to teach you how to cope with things a little better, and perhaps without you knowing it, you are teaching me a great deal too. Be patient with me, things will evolve. In the meantime, please be a brave little raspberry.
Love,
-K.

Then we had quite a dearth of letters-we were both working, I graduated, and we started having troubles. I wanted to be married, and he absolutely didn’t.

2 January 1997

Just wanted to drop you a note to let you know how much I love and care about you. Since you have come into my life, I think I’ve been more content than ever. I also feel more of a sense of purpose, not so much life I am drifting, as I have in the past.
I too am looking forward to our trip. It gives me quite a rush to think of just being in a place that we have no attachments to…Sometimes our obligations here make us miss the big picture, but when we’re abroad my creativity thrives. I feel like I can be more open and show my love for you and the world at large. Someday, I know, we will find a place where we can feel like that all the time. A place where our schedules and livelihood are not dependent on someone else. And I don’t mean simply a place comme un lieu, I mean a situation that we create that frees us from servitude. I really don’y care if we don’t do anything while we’re in England. I would be happy just to walk around, eat fish and chips, and masquerade as Londoners, loyal to the Crown. As long, that is, as you are there with me. I’ve travelled alone quite often, but it is not the same as when you are there also.
I am also thinking ahead to next year, and what other adventures we could go on. Perhaps something more interactive, like a safari, expedition, or mountain climbing.
Anyhow, I will miss you much in my absence. This will be the first time we haven’t slept together since my last campout last summer. I hope you will be ok on your own, and I will come back as soon as I can. Until that time I remain….
….Yours,
-K.

16 January 1997
My Dear One,

I thought I’d let you know that right now I’m at work and I’m thinking about you. I just had one of those tight chested feelings, and I’m so happy that I can still have those with you, even though we’ve been together nearly two years now. It seems that time has been so kind to us. We are aging together very well, and although neither of us wants to live to be 100, at least the ride to whereve we stop will be a good one.
Sometimes I’m concerned that we’re never moving anywhere in our lives-that maybe our existence has become staid or sheltered. But I’m glad we’re both moving on in our personal and professional lives as well. I’ve gotten my degree and a new job, while you’ve been promoted and are also applying at the police dept. It’s at these moments that I know our lives are always moving, but at least we’re very good at letting them move together.
I’m sorry you lost your art day, and I hope this doesn’t mean I’ll see too much less of you, even though I’m beginning school again also. I’m looking forward to that hockey game coming up-I had so much fun at the last one, that I hope this one rivals it. But it would also behoove you to endeavor in some romantic gesture on that date-I’m thrilled you want to take me to another hockey game, but I also want to be wooed (gee, you never hear that word anymore!) You’re very talented. I know you can do it.
I’m very proud of you, I love you, and youäre my best friend. We’ve made good choices so far. Let’s keep turning to each other and asking the opinions of each other, always sharing our concerns and dreams. It has done well for us so far.
I love you so much.
Toujours,
-S.

28 January 1997
Mon Cher,

Wow, I have sure been a pain lately, haven’t I? Sometimes I can tell that I’m being difficult and I just can’t help it, or seem to stop. Other times, you tell me I’m pushing an issue too much, which I can do occasionally, but on some occasions I feel like I really have something to say and maybe you’re just not listening. I’ve been hard to live with lately, but for some reason, I’m filled with a million emotions, and I can’t figure out where to put any of them. I feel like I’m alone, trying to work things out, trying to find my way alone, because you’re not there. Sometimes I just need a little reminder that you love me and you care. When I’m away at school one night, you could take a PlayStation break and write me a letter. Hug me more. Rub my back. Or just tell me you love me. I need you, and I need you to understand what I need and want.
Sometimes I feel like I’m so out of control with emotions that I’ve drifted away from you, because you don’t understand me, and I can’t figure out why. These moments are so hard for me, because I always have been (and always will be) closer to you than I ever have been to anyone. You are the one person I like being around all of the time. You are my best friend. You make me laugh. That, and I happen to love you also.
So maybe this letter can help you see what I’m thinking and feeling. I feel adrift from you right now, and sometimes I feel unloved. I know you love me. I know you care about me and need me. I just need to hear it from you.
Toujours,
-S.

2 February 1997
My Dearest,

Just a moment to drop you a line. A moment under recent circumstances is quite precious. I know we’ve never been this busy before, and it is beginning to take its toll.
Even though we sometimes fight, I still love you very much. I was thinking, on my way home Saturday, how you are always there for me, providing support, being my rock.
I hope we have more time to spend together in the near future. I know you need more attention from me, and its really hard for me to give it to you if one or the other is not there.
I guess because we’re working so much at our jobs, we just have to work that much harder at home.
I promise to try, because what we have is worth it. You’re my best friend and my lover. You are my world.
Love,
-K.

9 March 1997
My Dearest,

I don’t know what this letter will be like (short, probably). BUt I wanted you to see these words on paper: I love you.
Things change rapidly in our world, but as long as these three words are written on this piece of notebook paper, that is the one thing that will never ever change.
I loved you yesterday, I’ll love you today, and tomorrow I will love you still. Hold this in your heart, and never doubt.
I hope this helps to ease your mind.
All My Love,
-K.

27 April 1997
My K,

This is the abbreviated version-I’m sure I’ll write more later.
Our talk yesterday nearly devestated me, and really scared me. It scared me into realizing that because my life is out of control, it may jeopardize our relationship, which I hold so dear. If you, the most patient man in the world, are close to throwing in the towel, then I must be on thin ice. And for that, I’m sorry.
So I’ve resolved to put these issues that I keep pressing on the back burner. I can do this and live with myself-I know I can, although I recognize you may have your doubts. I do still want a new mattress, but all other issues are secondary. I just need to get ok, I want to know if I can count on you to be there and support me.
You are the only one for me. I never want anyone again-I don’t want to laugh at anyone else’s (bad) jokes, I don’t want to travel with anyone else. I don’t want to know anyone else intimately ever again. All I want, until the day I die, is you. And since I think my death will coincide with yours, that’s pretty handy, no?
So I apologize for the pressure in the household. Let’s work on bringing the laughter back and re-finding each other. I’m going to work on fixing my own problems that need to be fixed. All I ask is that you support and encourage me.
I promise to behave now (barring PMS-I couldn’t control that if I tried!) I love you. Promise to stay with me, while I work out my problems? And then, after that, I promise our life together will be much better. And then, I hope you’ll promise to stay around then as well.
I love you completely.
Toujours,
-S.

Things got worse. I was sure I wanted marriage, and K was not. Marriage meant nothing to him, but masses to me. It got harder and harder. I decided to move out.

9 June 1997
Mon Cher,

Guess we need to talk about things, huh? We are such good friends (best friends) but we need to see if everything’s OK in all of the other departments. That means touchy.feely talk (which I know you hate).
I still love you, dear boy.
Toujours,
-S.

Undated
Dearest S,

Well, you said you wanted a letter, so I’m going to do my best to make sense of everything I’m thinking and put it down on paper.
You should know (and if you don’t, here it is in black and white) that I think the world revolves around you. I can’t imagine living without you, and yet here we are at that exact point.
I know you’ve been thinking about it for a while now, and I’ve slowly been coming to accept that it may become reality. It’s not what I want, but I will agree to it if you think it will save our relationship. I cannot imagine myself in that house alone. Without you, and of course the dog. I can only imagine how quiet it will be and how it won’t be any fun to even misbehave, because there will be no one there to scold me. No one to cuddle with. No dog to dance with. No one to have water fights or puzzle buster wars with.
I have considered all these things, and I hope you have considered them carefully, too.
I ´know D’s wedding upset you, and if it is having any effect on your decision, please reconsider.
Here’s the bottom line: I’m willing to stay with you always and work through any problems, I just don’t want to get married. I never have. It’s not that you’re not “good” enough. Actually it doesn’t have anything to do with you. It is not for me, that’s all. Even though I’ll probably never understand why this means so much to you, I realize that it does.
I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make everything be allright. But I can’t, S. I still see us working this out, I’m just not sure how. No matter what you decide I’ll do my best to make it work.
Love,
-K.

15 June 1997

I feel like, without you, my life will be so empty and so alone. I would sooner move to a far away place and live in a remote cottage all by myself, with no people in my life, than to have life without you. My stomach feels like it’s full of broken glass right now, and I always want you by my side. I know we don’t know who to be around each other right now. Just as long as we still care, and still try, that’s all we need.
Toujours,
-S.

But it was all too much. We disntegrated. Or imploded, more like. The combination of the different lives we wanted, along with the female friend he had, were too much for us. I took another job and travelled a lot. Tried to forget him. It was very, very hard. Ieven moved to another state, took another job, and travelled overseas until Iwas the point of exhaustion. Nothing could drive him out of me. About a year after we split, I tried to contact him…and found that he was in the hospital battling leukemia. I took the first flight available, and spent the night with him. What we talked about, what he said, remains between he and I. But I knew that he would recover, and that someday we would meet up in a cafe, and head off into the sunset together. That was fate. That was the plan. There was no question about it.

I moved overseas, and still thought of him, even as I was in a committed relationship with another. I knew that K and I would be together. And then, on August 15, 2000 I got the following email:

Hey Team (Comets, Valley Forge, and Savage), family, and friends,

I come to you today with some sad but somewhat expected news. The mind and soul that is Kim Savage left this earth this morning around 6:00 am. I don’t have much detail other than after bravely fighting and beating down, twice, his leukemia over the last year, he was left too weak to even really begin his 3rd go around.

Kim, or Mike as I know him, is a man I hold in awe. He is a man who lived life passionately by his dreams. A man free from the rules, yet holding at the very top of his priorities his compassion for his fellow human being. I can’t remember a time that I heard a harsh word uttered from his mouth about anyone, even those who may have hurt him.

He always remembered to remain a kid at heart. The fondest of memories I have are of the many pranks he would play. One of his most famous was the open brief case super glued to the top of his van. While driving 70 down the highway, motorists would excitedly point out the “obviously” soon to be lost brief case while he acted confused as if he didn’t know what they were talking about. Of course, this was on the same van to which a mock gattling gun was affixed to the front grill along side a personally hand painted skull and cross bones. You always knew Savage had been in the house when you went to the kitchen sink, turned on the water, and you were suddenly drenched. He had rubber banded the trigger of the spray hose and strategically aimed it at his next random, unsuspecting victim. There are just too many such “events” to list. But I’ll tell you this, even as the “victim” of one of his many pranks, they always bring a big smile to your face. He is all about having fun.

But most of all, the vision that hangs in my mind, and best represents the Savage that I know and love is my memories of him playing Defense in a game. He had his own idea of what playing hockey was. You could join him if you wanted, but no one was going to get in the way of his concept, even if you were an opponent and you scored on his team. His body was on the ice, but who knows where his mind was. Gliding about the open ice in big swooping motions, it was more like a dance. I was observing him in his dream world, truly living his fantasy on ice. I don’t know where he went during those times, and that will always remain a mystery to me, but just to be fortunate enough to witness him is more than enough. The man has shown me, personally, that it’s okay, not only to have dreams, but to live them on a daily basis, no matter what the situation.

Right to the end, he kept to this principle, he kept his dreams at the forefront. He never gave up hope of getting back on the ice. I bought into it to, one of the few times for me that logic just didn’t apply. As far fetched as his return may have ever seemed, there has always been a spot on the team for him, and always will be.

He’s had a dream of owning a Toyota MR2 Spider since he first saw it as a concept car. I was called over one afternoon, for after having a bone plug taken he was too weak to climb the two steps to enter his own home. After gingerly sitting him down in his living room, he told me that this was probably it, he didn’t have the strength for another round of Chemo or Radiation Therapy. I had no response. He then immediately changed subjects and became surprisingly illuminated. We began talking cars for the next hour or so, a passion I never knew he had. As he spoke, I continued to gaze at the walls and the shelves. There I could see so many of his actualized, or at least, semi-actualized dreams on display, the action figures he collected, and those he began to make himself, the legos. And, there is the wall with, who knows what they really are, but to me, the cork like round things stuck randomly about. I’m sure there’s another crazy story there too. That conversation, that time, meant so much to me. I witnessed a man facing certain death shortly, but instead of imploding, he sat amongst the evidence of his dreams having come to fruition, and he was continuing on about his dreams. Oh, and guess what? While I was sitting with him in his home, he had his very own sleek shiny new silver Toyota MR2 Spider sitting out in the driveway. It was fresh from the factory delivered only weeks before. Yet another of his concepts, dreams, that has come true. .

I feel sorrowful for those of you who only know him as the person for whom our hockey team is named. You have unfortunately missed out on meeting one of the neatest persons I’ve ever come to know.

Allow me to recant my first statement of his mind and soul leaving this earth. I know that you have touched many lives in various positive ways. And as with those people in the way you’ve touched them all, you will lives on in me as a man in his own right, a rebel without being rebellious, a man of dignity and compassion, and most of all, a man living out his dreams allowing nothing to stand in the way of those dreams. Thank you for the dreams you’ve inspired me to realize over the years. Thank you for being the epitome of freedom. And, thank you for all that you have done for me, my family, and friends, little buddy. God bless, I love you, Hangman.

Your eternal friend,

M

And so it was all for nothing. He is gone, he is lost to me. I am doomed to live in a world that he created and shaped, in which I am constantly reminded of him. I think about him every day. I cry for him no less than one or two times a week.

Goodbye, Kim. I will always, always love you.

-S.