No One Ever Said It Had To Be
Sometimes it’s intriguing, this idea that you can lift the lid on the past and breathe in.
It’s easy to do when you’ve been blogging for over 7 years. You can lift the lid off the archives and see who you were at any given point in time, because at no point in time have you ever been the same person. Despite the (over) confidence people think you have, the truth is you have always been deeply confused about who you are. It’s not insecure, everyone is insecure to a point.
I’ve had an eating disorder for years because I hated myself and, in hating myself, I hated my body. I took things out on it, I loathed it, half the time I could hardly look in the mirror. I dress only in black at work, always have done.
But things have started to change.
I got my first bikini in February of this year. I felt it was a slight challenge, this little strip of lycra. I felt like I had to step up to this flashy bit of purple, I felt that it didn’t have to defeat me. I didn’t have to bury it in the drawer I could – believe it or not – wear it and feel good about it.
I wore it once in Australia.
Last week I wore it every day.
The amazing thing about being there among so many other women was this – there were many women with bodies with lumps like mine. There were many women who were skinnier than I am. But there they were, this parade of women who were larger than I am and who embraced their curves, who wore a two-piece swimsuit and seemed to love themselves and their exposure to the sun. They were amazing and I wanted to be like them. Then I realized that there, in my two-piece, I was one of them. My body’s not perfect…but no one ever said it had to be.
My face has lines. I am heading towards the downhill slope of “late 30’s”, of course I have lines. My face has always felt too round and fat. My eyes are slanted and have Epicanthic folds. I have never understood my face and in return, never really worn make-up because of it. Easier to not bother. Easier to not make an effort.
Only recently I have realized that my face isn’t beautiful…but no one ever said it had to be.
(This isn’t me pimping for praise here, either. This is me being straight. I know a second-hand car when I see one. Beep beep.)
I’ve always had long thick hair. My hair was the one triumph (apart from my rack, which is spectacular. I’m just calling a spade a spare here.) I have thick dark hair that I have always worn long because it is my security blanket. It hides my face, it hides my appearance, and I can’t have short hair because of my Asian chipmunk-like cheeks. Short hair brings your face out. People notice you with your short hair. Life is better with the long hair and the black clothes and virtually no makeup. It’s better than I hide, it’s better that I am not noticed.
Only, why is that?
Who was I really hiding from?
All these years of my life I’ve been whatever people wanted me to be for so long that I never figured out what I wanted me to be. I’ve got that now, though. The past year of my life has shown me things I am and things I am not.
There are many things to be afraid of, ranging from the more serious things like disease, job loss, and losing a loved all and moving all the way down the scale of fear to fear of Katie Price and the possible return of the shoulder pad. What I am not is afraid of not being perfect. Not anymore. I’m not perfect, I’m not beautiful, I’m not special…but no one said I had to be.
What I am is me. I think I’m beginning to like me, and I am fortunate enough to have a man who thinks I am beautiful and sexy, just as I am. I have faults and am still a bit screwed, that’s for sure, but there are things in there that are good. I have started wearing just a bit of makeup. I have given myself the solemn vow that the wardrobe, it shall have colors and it will be good. Turquoise, purples, oranges, yellow – I want to wear color. My figure isn’t a cover model’s but there’s a man I share a life with who tells me that I am sexy and have the perfect figure, and I like being that for him. I like it so much, I might as well like it for me.
And today I cut my hair off.
I love it.
It’s a crazy ride, this getting to know yourself. But if it’s just a bit of hair, a bit of slap on the face (and no, I won’t be wearing that red, red lipstick!) and the ability to say that I’ll put on the bikini, faulty body be damned, then I have to believe that I’m being true to myself, and I have to believe that in being true to who this person is that I am, that two little people in my life will follow and never have to know what it’s like to hide.
-S.
PS – if you’ve been around this blog for any period of time then you will know Teresa. Teresa has been commenting here for many years, she’s an absolutely incredible woman and someone I call a good friend. I trust her and I love her, too. Her brother and sister-in-law had twins on December 31, 2008. They were micro-preemies, and one of the little guys Dominic isn’t doing well and is in St. Louis awaiting a lung transplant. Teresa’s brother is in St. Louis with his son, while Teresa’s sister-in-law is at home in MI with the other twin and the family’s daughter. Her brother is struggling to find accommodation and the whole situation is so serious it hurts me to read it, let alone know someone I care about is going through it. Teresa’s set up a webpage to help defray the costs that her brother faces in trying to stay in St. Louis with their sick son, as well as requests for info for places to stay (he’s on the waiting list at both a local hostel and the Ronald McDonald House). I know times are hard, but if you have a spare bit of cash, there’s a Paypal page here, along with some of the story of what’s happened and photos of Dominic. Love you, Teresa. Hang in there, gorgeous.
You look gorgeous! Glad to see you looking so happy and glowy and stuff! And of course: cheers to the journey. It makes us who we are.
I love that your sweetie gave you an emotionally challenging piece of clothing! I love that you wore it, too. Sure, you look beautiful, but the emotional freedom is even better. I also think the red lipstick is the bees’ knees, so please don’t chuck it out altogether.
Best of luck and hope to Theresa.
That’s the real beauty of it, isn’t it? How we can finally find some inner peace. Glad that you are finally seeing what so many of us have seen for years-you are beautiful. Perfect? No one is, but you are lovely-just because you are you.
That haircut doesn’t hurt though. Hubba hubba.
Thanks for the PS too-it means loads to me. We just keep moving forward, one step at a time.
Your haircut is so cute! I have the round face and cheeks that would put yours to shame..haven’t smiled in a picture since I realized it makes them look even chubbier..back when I was about 12.
It’s gorgeous, I love it.
(Thank you for the info to help out Teresa)
I LOVE your hair. I think it’s gorgeously flattering on you.
“All these years of my life I’ve been whatever people wanted me to be for so long that I never figured out what I wanted me to be.” Yes! I am currently in that chapter with my Couch Lady. It is exhausting and awkward and exhilarating and terrifying and freeing all at the same time. Congrats to you and Alastair. Your hair looks great!
I love this post. What a ride life can be if we reach out and grab it!
I think your haircut is quite becoming to your face, and enhances your already-lovely eyes. You have nothing to hide – You’re doing all the right things to be a great mom to your little ones. :-)
Love your hair, love your make-up and love your attitude!
I don’t “know” Teresa but recognise her from comments, so sad, I hope they will all be OK.
A donation is definitely on the way… I wish I could do more.
Brings back a ton of memories.
My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Love the new hair! It’s very modern and makes you look young/fresh.
In my mid-twenties, I reached the conclusion that while I was cute, I would never be HOT! It’s a disappointing realization, but it makes it easier to live in your own skin. Also, make-up becomes optional and fun – I could look better, but without, I was still cute. I only wish I had paid more attention to my undergarments. A good bra would have improved a large number of pictures!
I LOVE your hair and I don’t want you to say you are not beautiful, because the photos of you on your wedding day are MORE than beautiful – partly because you look supremely happy. I am glad you are starting to believe Alistair.
Shannon, since I started following your blog about 2 years ago, I’ve always thought you had such a beautiful face, BECAUSE of your cheeks when you smile. Seriously. And who said that beautiful had to mean the same thing to everyone?
Well done – esp with the hair cut. It is amazing how much we attach to our long hair – and for so many years. Love the new look and kindness to yourself – you look sparkly and spunky!
Theresa said: “Glad that you are finally seeing what so many of us have seen for years-you are beautiful. Perfect? No one is, but you are lovely-just because you are you.”
Nothing more to say. Felicity <– who has wished many times over the years that you could see in yourself what we see!
Of course you are beautiful, your husband is absolutely right. Especially the mix of Asia and Europe in your face is special and charming. Nothing to hide!
You look wonderful!
Cute!
Oddly enough, your hair is much like mine, and I need to cut it short again. Why haven’t I? Well, I’m so lazy about haircuts that I only get them when I get around to it… every two years or so.
It’s not quite long enough for a Locks of Love donation yet. Maybe I’ll wait…
Beautiful. The words and the haircut and you.
Shannon (good grief, I almost typed “Helen”!!)-
I live in St. Louis and have a guest room. I know that this is quite weird as I’ve never met any of you, but I would be more than happy to open my door to Teresa’s brother if he needs somewhere to stay in the short-term. If you are interested in finding out more information to pass along, please e-mail me (I assume you can see the e-mail address even though it’s not published).
Sarah P.
I wish I’d learned those lessons when I was your age instead of so many years later….I would have been so much happier. And I love the do, you could have gone alot shorter even, and layered, with bangs, you could do anything with your face and hair combo!
I wish I could send something to help, but know that rays of good karma are being sent to Dominic. And Shannon, I respect the hell out of going for the haircut. I did that awhile back but unlike you I couldn’t pull it off. I looked vaguely like a transvestite grunge rocker. You, on the other hand, look stunning.
Haven’t commented in a while, but still adore you and think you are amazing.
You know we have similar coloring (I still think I may have a bit more Casper in me), but I am just hear to say, “Purple.”
Have recently embraced it, and kind of want to make out with it. You’ll never go back.