Relationship Experts
On the radio this morning they were talking about a new theory in relationships. Because, you know, relationships are new and no one knows how to manage these newfangled things. They had a “relationship expert” on – this immediately is suspect to me as unless you’ve been in a convent all your life, if you’ve ever so much as twitched in the direction of the opposite (or same) sex then you’re already a relationship expert, if by expert we mean “Holy fuck what the hell does this button do?” The expert went on to say that there are three stages for the average woman when it comes to their spouse. Although she was talking about heterosexual couples, let’s expand it to same-sex couples as well, because there’s no reason why the “expert’s” advice doesn’t carry.
Basically she was saying there are three types of relationships.
1) The woman is waiting for Mr/Ms Perfect. You know the type, those of us who had endless entries into our teenage diaries swearing that we would just die if we didn’t wind up with Bobby/Peggy Sue/insert naff name from the 1950’s here. Mr/Ms Perfect would have perfect hair, perfect teeth, and a hint of flesh just below the collarbone to die for. They would anticipate our every need, they would never been in a pissy mood in the morning, they would never leave empty drinking glasses stacked on every possible surface and they wouldn’t think twice about taking the garbage out. All of this they would complete in time to make us a perfect meal and shag us senseless in the early evening so that we would have the opportunity to watch Mad Men and Glee in the evening.
2) Mr/Ms Not Perfect But Perfect For Me. Well come on, this isn’t rocket science, relationship expert. Of course almost everyone has this. You may look at someone you know and think “What the fuck is she doing with them?” without realizing they’re thinking the same thing about you and your choice of partner. You want your partner but you can see that it’s not perfect. Maybe they don’t take out the garbage. Maybe they leave hair in the shower drain. Maybe they hate Mad Men and Glee. Maybe they leave a trail of clothing from the door of the bedroom when they get home which you always have to pick up. Maybe they hate cheese (which, if this is the case, you need to dump them immediately.) Yet they know how to order what you want from any menu they come across. They scrape the ice from your car. They know that you are in a Class 1 Hurricane of PMS and they overlook it. They don’t care that you have so many books that shelves are literally groaning under their weight, because they know that books make you happy.
3) Mr/Ms Settling. And who hasn’t done that, too? I had an ex who was lovely. A lovely, lovely man. Kind, clever, generous, considerate…and yet he had a funny odor. It wasn’t unclean, he wasn’t unhygienic. It didn’t matter if he changed soaps or colognes, it didn’t matter if I used different detergent…it was him. It was the smell of him. I asked a few people if they noticed this smell, they said no. It was his smell to me that was an issue. I didn’t like his smell, it reminded me of potatoes, Playdoh and foreskin. Plus it’s never a good sign when you have sex and you think “Will you just come already because there’s no oil in me, you can stop drilling me now. And wipe your dick on the curtains on the way out, ok?” Yeah. That was settling. And it could’ve been borne out for life, yes it could’ve, but I would never have been 100% percent happy.
But all of this is common sense, surely. We have it all, from romance novels to the person we’re really with to that nice man who has a nice life and we’re all nice but it’s not like we really know each other. These levels exist and it’s nothing new. It’s ridiculous to me that you need a relationship expert to explain this stuff to us. Of course we know that there is a Mr/Ms Perfect out there.
It’s like that argument that lads’ mags are objectification of women. Of course they are. That’s the point of them. Do they subjugate women? In my view, if the women are doing this voluntarily then they know that they’re being subjugated. But it’s the same for women. In same sex relationships, don’t women objectify women? Like my lesbian friend Karen did, when she would tell me her fantasy was a tall blond woman built like a Swede with fingers that resembled planks of Spam (I’m thinking that this ideal might have been Karen’s alone, here.) Don’t women objectify men, too? When we fawn after Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome like Mr. Darcy (so really we’re fawning after Mr. Tall, Emotionally Unavailable and Cravat-ified), aren’t we subjugating men? Or when we dream about a certain someone bearing a certain sonic screwdriver, are we really focussing on his relationship abilities?
(Wait, yes. Yes I am. Anyway.)
If drivel like this can get published then I think I should write a relationship book. I’ll call it “How to Have the Right Relationship”. It’ll be subtitled “AKA, All of the Things He Won’t Need To Wipe His Dick On”.
I wonder if Oprah would read that last part out.
-S.
Great post. So very true. Although I wonder if we are ever 100% happy and if we were would that not be very boring. I mean making up is often very enjoyable.
Had a good friend who said if relationship is at least 51% good it is worth saving. I believe she was right.
Whereas my book would be, “So It Turns Out That He’s a Republican: One Hundred Seemingly Innocuous Things That You Probably Won’t Be Able to Live With, No Matter How Good the Make-Up Sex Is.”
One of the great “tricks” in long term relationships is this: be very picky in the “dating/courting” stage, and be very forgiving and content in the “permanent” stage.
More often then not, we do just the opposite: we forgive too many “issues” when dating and then nit-pick every little thing when we get married/commit.
Once in a while the “experts” come up with a nugget of wisdom that we all go, “Ohhhhhh, I hadn’t thought of it like that, but he’s absolutely right.” But I agree with Shannon in that more often than not they’re just folks who have gone to school a little longer than the rest of us and spout off what most of us already know. Maybe a little more eloquently since they’ve dwelled on the topic longer than we have.
“his smell… reminded me of potatoes, Playdoh and foreskin”
oh. oh god. that’s… evocative.
They do have to smell right, though. My ex started to smell like my dad to me… should’ve taken that as a sign way earlier than I did.
In my humble opinion how can anyone be an expert in something that is so subjective, and in a lot of cases objective? What makes me happy won’t make you happy, I am certain of that. Yet we are both happy. No one is right, no one is wrong.
You can’t help who you fall in love with-and where you go from there is part of the fun (or agony) of the journey. At least it is for me.
Then again, I’m no expert.
D, I could have written that comment word for word if I’d thought of it. Thanks for that.
To the post itself and the other comments I can only sit and nod as I read.
I want to read your book. And D’s book.
I do wonder what makes someone a relationship expert, though.
Love the proposed title, but I am thinking you would sell more copies if you reversed the title / subtitle. A sure attention grabber. Just imagine explaining that one to Oprah.
Or. “At least they’re not short bus.”
Good point a.
I would think a relationship expert would be someone who had experienced lots and lots of relationships, but then again, someone who had lots and lots of relationships, must not be very good at relationships and therefore certainly is not an expert.
Christopher
*Thank* you! No one in my life understood why I primarily -but not exclusively- ended my last relationship because he always reeked of coffee breath and mothballs.
I have been a lurker here for a long time, and I’m de-lurking to say I feel like I could have written this post. Except for possibly the bit about your ex. And Karen. And it might have had a bit more to do with Dr Phil, and how I feel like his “expert advice” is basically common sense and it baffles me when everyone treats said advice as amazing and something totally new and wonderful. I would totally read your book.
And also? D? I <3 your comment immensely, and if I saw a book with that title, I would have to buy it on the spot simply for having such an awesome title. It's sort of like "The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse" by Robert Rankin that way. Bizarre but irresistible.
I have been a lurker here for a long time, and I’m de-lurking to say I feel like I could have written this post. Except for possibly the bit about your ex. And Karen. And it might have had a bit more to do with Dr Phil, and how I feel like his “expert advice” is basically common sense and it baffles me when everyone treats said advice as amazing and something totally new and wonderful. I would totally read your book. But, like Matt, I think the title/subtitle should be reversed.
And also? D? I <3 your comment immensely, and if I saw a book with that title, I would have to buy it on the spot simply for having such an awesome title. It's sort of like The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse by Robert Rankin that way. Bizarre but irresistible.
Heh. One of Evil Rob’s friends told him that we ought to get together because we were “socially weird in compatible ways.” By golly, he was right.
If a person doesn’t smell right, there’s a growing body of evidence that suggests it may be partially because they’re not especially genetically compatible with you. Unless, as suggested above, it’s because they’re smoking or drinking coffee or doing something else that just doesn’t smell right to you.
I was with you until the Lads mag argument. Sure individually we all fantasize, but we don’t objectify. And this is about power and control. Unfortunately the male race has a bad track record on this one. Lads mags send out one clear message, women are objects, they are here for male gratification and titillation. It might be suggested as fantasy but unfortunately most men aren’t bright enough to separate the fantasy from the reality.
Glad someone said that Jack. The nauseating thing to me about that statement was about women doing porn voluntarily. A lot of women in porn have histories of abuse. They get into the lifestyle because, tragically, that’s what they know. And equating the degradation of women to idolizing someone because of a superficial trait? Mind boggling.
I think that so-called expert had a pretty narrow (and common sense) focus. I could have gotten the same advice from a teen magazine, really, but again — those magazines teach us to allow ourselves to be objectified (generally speaking). Any expert that neglects the various spousal relationships beyond the three listed is clearly never done it his or herself or lacks the confidence to exert the bold statement that YOU CAN HAVE a satisfying, healthy, well-rounded relationship. Assuming her audience is lacking basic common sense, we can assume that propagating the idea that women are destined to fail, fail harder, and then stagnate really doesn’t facilitate the creating of a healthy relationship, rather, it continues the cycle. Self-fulfilling prophecy much? Just my two cents.
I want to be a relationship expert. I bet they big money for experts. How about a child rearing expert? (Sure, I’m barely maintaining the chaos, but no one’s had a serious injury on my watch. yet.) Or cooking!
This could be fun.
Ugh, that should say ‘I bet they PAY big money for experts’.
@ Jack and Jennifer – just as I am accused of generalizing, I think you both are here, too. Maybe YOU don’t objectify, Jack, but that makes you a great man (no really) and, in my experience, a rarity. While I agree that for some men lads’ mags are about power and control, for others it is very much about women being eye candy, and simply that.
Jennifer – I agree that historically lads’ mags came about and women may have had little or no say about that. I have also known a few women in the industry who wanted to be there and loved their work, no degrading childhoods behind it. I take the view that the industry was something that did quite possibly/probably force women into it. Yet there are a number of ladies’ mags out there, too, and no one is crying out for the poor men “forced” to pose in them, objectifying themselves. The subjugation/idolization was tongue in cheek.
RE: pornography and objectifying. While I thend to agree -to a point. Shannon is more correct in pointing out the voluntary nature of the participants. Did a little research on this issue. From what I learned the porn industry is more and more run by women. Among porn workers the women tendto be the big winners- $250K/year is not unusual while the men 30-40K is not norm.
Also in the social hierarchy of sex workes I learned the porn video women were the highest strata.
This is a very thoughtful post that begs for philosophical reflection, but I’m just not there yet today. As it is, I will say: DAMN I LOVE GLEE!!!! Also, I’m sure Mad Men is awesome, if only for the fact that Christina Hendricks is in it, but we don’t have the cable package that allows us to see it.
I reckon whihcever way a relationship(t) starts out, it all begins with the shagging senseless business and ends in arguments about socks in bed, trash days, very little shagging at all and, well, general malcontent. Albeit malcontent with familiarity. ANd holey underwear.
g
Charles – I remember watching a documentary in which they interviewed the female owner of a porn production company. This company specialized in realistic rape, in which the women actually had the everloving crap beat out of them on film. But according to this owner, it was all fine because she took them out for a nice meal and shopping afterwards. So yeah, more women running things? Maybe doesn’t mean so much. And those “big winners” you refer to? Shudder to think what they have to do for that kind of money.
If you’re interested, this is a view from the other side: http://www.oneangrygirl.net/antiporn.html. Faq #1 is specifically about choice. Here is a quote:
Sure, you might be lucky once or twice and rent a video featuring a grad-school dropout, or score a lapdance from the ex-teacher who decided to try a second career as a stripper just for kicks. But we estimate that the majority of the time, you will be watching rape and incest survivors on the screen and stage. And if you’ve ever enjoyed a Traci Lords or Jenna Jameson video, you already have.
Jennifer – I get it. You have a bone to pick. A few things:
1) I (as I said) was tongue-in-cheek about the lads’ mags.
2) I MEANT lads’ mags. I was specifically thinking of Page 3 Girls from The Sun and Playboy – both of which are fluffy air pieces and not even in the same league as some of the stuff you’re talking about.
3) I understand that you object to me comparing idolization with subjugation. Your displeasure registered (and was done so when you used the term “nauseating”).
4) I do not believe that realistic rape, forced rape, or anything of the sort was even mentioned in my post. If you thought I supported in then you haven’t been reading very long.
5) I think this must’ve gone quite under your skin if you return two weeks later with quotes. This post was an attempt at a light-hearted piece. My reference was meant to be so, too, but I see I may have got it wrong with you and struck a nerve. Perhaps it’s time to let this one drop now.