The End of the World May Be Here, But I Baked Bread
I started my new job on Tuesday. It was a day full of induction that got called short due to the impending horrible weather. I don’t know if you’ve been following the nightmare weather we’ve been having here in England (and if you haven’t, then why haven’t you?) but we’ve had a bit of snow here. On Wednesday I couldn’t even get to the office as we literally had over a foot of snow. This may make those of you who live in snowy areas laugh, but we live in a part of the world (and in particular a part of the country) that gets very little snow. We have no snowplows and few gritters. So if it snows this much, we’re all pretty much screwed.
I got a new Blackberry (which was not ready and thus as useful as a chocolate teapot) and a laptop. Said laptop was not configured in the slightest so it was as helpful as a marzipan doorhandle (see how I worked those two similes in? Seamless. Totally.) My first call to the helpdesk went thus:
“Hi, I have a new laptop? And nothing’s working? And I’m not sure how to fix it?” (and yes, all of my sentences when calling help desks end like a question.)
“Right, is it turned on?”
“Yes. And that’s it.”
“You need to login via the intranet.”
“I’m snowbound at home.”
“Then there’s nothing you can do.”
“Can I use the laptop as a paperweight?”
“Have you reviewed the company’s health and safety guidelines?”
“No, where are they?”
“Online.”
“That’ll be a no then.”
And off we go. I tried to login as me, but apparently I’m not defined in the system as a person. Finally, my confirmation comes that I am indeed an android. At least the phone is up and running and the laptop, well, we’re working on it. I’ve met a few of my new colleagues but in general the office has been empty. I went in yesterday and today because nothing says “You hired a slacker” like the new person not showing up for work the first week, snow be damned.
The weather has really screwed everything up. I loved the snow for a while but I’m so over it now it’s not funny (she says, with a weekend of snow forecast). Melissa and Jeff were due to leave Wednesday night but their flight was cancelled. We’re now waiting to see if their flight tonight will go or not.
What made it all one million times worse is the fact that when the storm hit on Wednesday, I realized something huge:
We were low on milk.
We were low on bread.
We were low on eggs.
We were low on Diet Coke.
And the real horror unveiled when the truth was revealed: we were low on coffee.
I swear I nearly had a nervous breakdown. It was all I could think about. I know it’s completely ridiculous – apart from the milk (the babies’ needs) and the coffee (the parents’ needs) we have a laughable amount of food in this house. It’s absolutely unreasonable, but it’s just One Of My Things. I need milk, bread, eggs, coffee and the additions of juice and toilet paper (both well stocked right now) to keep my universe in check. It’s totally unreasonable, I get that, but it’s how I roll. Fortunately when Alastair made an airport run with the kids he came back with milk, bread and coffee and it literally was like a valium via staple form for me. I wanted to gather up the provisions and hug them and squeeze them and call them George.
It didn’t help that while he was gone it was snowing like a mother and the power went out.
Let me repeat – the power went out.
There I was, home alone apart from two babies who pass clean out at nighttime. The entire area plunged into darkness. You’d think my immediate worry would be the heating, but no. The babies were well-covered and would be fine, I didn’t spare a thought for the heat.
My first concern was the serial killers.
The dorky chicks always get it in the horror films. They never make it. Now I know better than to run upstairs when they come into the house, I know not to parade around in my bra and knickers waiting for someone to axe their way through the door. But still – one can’t help but worry.
They say on the news that people aren’t panic buying to which I say: like fuck. Our local shop today was out of bread, milk and eggs. You might think that would make me fall to pieces, but I took matters into my own hands. On Thursday, on the way home from work, I took a stand and went to the shops and sorted myself. I bought fruits and vegetables. I bought frozen food (if we lose power again, I’ll just chuck it outside). I bought 18 eggs. I did not buy alcohol, what do you take me for, an amateur?
I bought flour, so that we can make bread should Armageddon the oncoming snow snarl everything up again.
We have 11 bags of flour.
I could bake for Britain now.
I bought UHT milk because I’m not fucking around.
That’s seven cartons of milk right there. I felt like cackling gleefully as people battled over fresh milk, as here I was in a practically unvisited part of the shop buying long-life milk. Sounds disgusting but tastes fine and the babies, they need milk.
Of course I also bought two cartons of fresh milk.
I also bought 196 tampons.
OK, wait – the tampons I can explain. I’m not planning a massive hemorrhage or a home hysterectomy. The local shop had box after box of them marked down by 70%. Tampons – as any woman who bleeds will tell you – are expensive little fuckers. I wondered aloud why anyone would mark down tampons, as it’s not like they’re going to expire or anything. It transpired that the tampons are boxed under “the old advertising” and the maker of the tampons are soon launching a new design.
I excel at three things: hand jobs, risotto, and bleeding like a stuck pig. I bought every single marked down box of the uncouth tampons because I was never fashionable anyway.
There you have it. I am now calm and no longer shaking due to daiey/carb shortages and am able to meet the oncoming snowstorms square in the eye. And I’ve realized a truth too – should the end of the world come and I’m a survivor, I won’t have to worry about my total ineptness killing me off as well. The other survivors will absolutely kill me themselves, I’m that fucking annoying when it comes to end of the world scenarios.
-S.
I HAD TO BUY SPELT BECAUSE OF YOU!!! I got to the shops late (see, ummm, latest post) and it was all that was left on the flour shelf! The only long-life milk left was powdered skimmed, so I passed. I’d rather my teeth fall out.
Worry not, I’ll totally bunch up and make room for you all in the compound I’m planning here cometh the End. We’re survivor city up here if I have anything to do with it!
Darling? SnowploUgh!
Plus, you can use the tampons to plug up any stab wounds you may have inflicted upon you by the aforementioned serial killer until the ambulance arrives.
Shannon, dearest, you have put me facedown in the carpet, laughing. I’m tempted to send you a snapshot of my emergency toilet paper bin in the attic and the lavatory cabinet full of sanitary supplies! Whatever happens, we are always prepared for Aunt Flo. Even though there is not an ounce of milk nor an egg in the house.
I love Emily. She may supercede my love for Hairy Farmer Family, who is busy trying to put a sodding “u” into EVERY word she comes across.
(MWAH, HFF!)
Also, an emergency toilet paper bin in the attic? Oh my god. I now feel I need to go plan similar. Get the ladder, I’m heading into the loft with supplies.
I live in an area that is primed for snow. We have great road crews. We regularly get a reasonable amount and occasionally a whopper storm. Yet at the slightest forecast of snow, people flock to the grocery store for eggs, bread and milk, as if French toast was essential to surviving any snow storm.
Not OB tampons! My older sisters used OB tampons so they were always around the house but for the life of me I was never able to get one of those suckers inserted properly. I tried so hard. I wouldn’t take a free lifetime supply of them.
Two things, firstly “marzipan doorhandle” YUM I want one in my mouth right now and secondly. I miss Lillets. Australian tampons suck ass.
Hey Shannon, I’m stashing TP to hide it from my mother in law. She tends to replenish her supply from my cabinets when she comes to visit. Not to mention when she rifles the pantry as the Rotini Bandit. :)
So, in the next post, because you’ve got cabin fever from being snowbound, you’ll be giving out tips for perfect hand jobs, then?
This post had me laughing aloud many, many times, so I thought I’d leave a comment. I have been following your weather woes in England and have to say I did laugh a little because I live in Chicago and we are getting similar amounts of snow now but no one is panicking…I’m so used to it, I’m sorry it amuses me when people don’t know what to do with themselves when winter weather hits. I am sorry it’s messing with the beginning of your new job though..
Good luck with it all; oh, and Happy New Year!
Sorry about your weather woes.
Here in Orlando, land of god-awful, incessant heat, we’ve been ridiculously cold for far too long. Temps in the low 30s (F). And tomorrow, we’re hitting low 20s and they say we may have snow. Snow. In Orlando. Of course, it’s Disney Marathon weekend. So I’ll be wearing running shorts and running 13.1 miles in the freezing cold and possibly snow tomorrow at 6a. Lord have mercy! And I am a Floridian who freezes when temps drop below 70 now.
Aaah yes, but if the end of civilisation arrives – you may well have to fend off hordes of women, who now know you hold the global stock of tampons in your bathroom.
It’s scary how jealous I am of your 70% marked down tampons.
Hah! You’re hilarious, but I just know that despite all your horror movie victim survival knowledge that you are still walking backward into dark rooms while calling out to your horribly dead friends telling them to “stop kidding around…” in a tremulous voice.
Those Brit tampons are very festive! I would have expected them to be more reserved… with bad teeth or something.
As my Minnesota home is usually stocked for entertainment and armageddon, in a white-out I would really only venture out for Q-tips or sushi. They might find my car half-buried in a ditch on the way home, but I would be frozen with clean ear canals and a blissful smile on my face.
Had to comment for two reasons. First – UHT milk tastes fine? You have got to be kidding me.
Second the non sequitor from your colleague. Nice one, mate.
When snow is predicted, I head to the store for coffee and toilet paper. I could be out of everything, but those are what I go for!! LOL
Send me a loAf round? My road is still blocked and I have 3 slices left. Yes slices. I have what my baby needs and enough cat food for an army (of cats. Clearly the armed forces will not be calling for any top up supplies)
Wait, there’s a sale on tampons? Must rush out of the house at once and stock for the apocalypse.
Managing people is fun. I did it once. You have the main priority correct: DO NOT RUN OUT OF COFFEE. Works for managees as well as snow-storms.
I thought I was the only one crazy enough to teach her toddler to say “Dude!” (It’s far better than “f*ck” which comes out of my mouth with the equal frequency of “dude”…. Seriously, though, I really like your decorative bin o’ tampons. I like it so much, I might dump all of mine into a bin too….. hmmm.
Yes but do you have the new Sims EP?
196 tampons. The entire post had me grinning, but that topped it. Holy crap. I think 196 tampons might very well last me to menopause…that’s frickin’ classic.
Please don’t hate me but when I read:
” Our local shop today was out of bread, milk and eggs. You might think that would make me fall to pieces, but I took matters into my own hands.”
I actually thought for a second that you went out and bought a cow and a chicken:-)
There’s only one real remedy for snowstorms: Carbs, carbs and extra carbs.
I learned something new tonight. UHT milk… I’ve never heard of it. we don’t have it here.
..and butter, too. Haha, kids of civilization and supermarkets, thou shouldst not worry!
I have to admit, that this snow adventure makes me really feel happy because it reminds me of my childhood in the sixtees, building igloos in our front garden, and of the end of the seventees when you once had to plod through snowdrifts on main street, and there was not a single car driving in the center of the city. FANTASTIC!
But I also have to admit that for worst case szenarios there is a farmer in our family. Food would not be a problem, and the tea in our cubboard would bring us over two winter periods.
I love it!
That’s absolutely brilliant, Shannon. I think sometimes my husband heads downstairs into our basement and wonders why I’m setting up a grocery store down there. :D
No snow here (Arkansas), but bitter cold. Very cold. I was actually able to swordfight my eight year old nephew a few days ago with icicles. At least I invested in a small room ceramic heater which keeps things nice and toasty in my bedroom.
And my antidote for the cold on a Saturday morning? Hot chocolate. And breakfast burritos. Yum.
The first time I got my period, my Dad went to Big Lots and bought several dozen bags (I really don’t know what else to call the containers made of plastic wrapping) of super mega ultra thick pads that had been marked down to about 15% of their original sticker price and proceeded to populate the bathroom closet with them. Nothing like being 12, starting your period with your Mom out of town, and then having a visual reminder every time you reach for a towel of just how long this sucky bleeding thing is going to be happening in your life. I moved out 4 years ago, and there are STILL some sitting in there, mainly because I think he thought he had five menstruating daughters and not one, but also because I prefer tampons. I suggested maybe they make use all of those leftover pads next time their sump pump doesn’t work and the basement gets flooded.
On a freezing cold London day , with lunatic drivers, waitrose looking like the siege had ended let alone begun….I sat down with my coffee and read your blog- better than duloxetine for brightening mood :)
Regarding the tampons: You are a woman after my own heart! I do the same thing when I see my brand on sale. My husband has finally stopped asking why. :)
It is going to be 40 celcius here today. Just thought you’d like to hear that.
You’re welcome.
Love,
Somebody else who buys tampons in the thousands, but now has rather less because her twins have discovered my stash of frisky mice on strings.
Also, pass the coffee.
g
I’m hoping for ‘Looking good, Billy Ray!’ ‘Feeling good, Louis!’ still!
You can’t seriously be teaching N&N to say “dude” and “sweet.” Not without matching velour tracksuits, that is.
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Very smart about the tampons. They ARE expensive little fuckers, aren’t they?
Oh, and I was wondering whose fault it was about the economy shit. Nice to know where I can point the finger.
Yay for being ready for anything! Can I just say that I’m in love with your tampon basket? Awesome.
You are soooo not alone. Here in Iowa it has been a horrid winter with sub-zero temps for days and two feet of snow on the ground. I have another friend from England who has kept me up on your weather and feel for you all. I will just say this, when the storms are predicted EVERYONE goes to the grocery store. Even me, with a full pantry, does it. I think it must be some survival instinct. I must have groceries. Well, then, of course, I must bake bread and cook stews and light the fire… you know, all the necessities! Stay warm and safe!