Panic Mode
Chicken Little and I have rather a lot in common. Like the little aviary twerp, I am prone to panic and irrational thought when it comes to paranoia. I am a type-A personality who has beaten OCD and anal-retentive behaviors. To say that I am fairly high-strung is like saying Tiger Woods doesn’t have his eye on the ball.
The shops close early tomorrow, and some of them stay closed until Saturday. This plays directly into my survivalist fears. I’m the type of person that is basically always wondering when the end of the world is coming. Books like The Stand and TV shows like Survivors (which I am desperately hoping they make another series of) are scenarios I am often pondering. If the end of the world comes, I want to be ready. The bad news is that if the end of the world comes and I survive, I will almost certainly be eaten by the other survivors since in terms of practical skills, I am pretty fucking useless. Alastair can use wind and solar panels to create electricity, rig plumbing, sew, and grow vegetables. Me, all I could do is blog about it. Not so helpful.
So when a storm hits followed by shops closing for a few days, I go into panic mode. I am list central – I have any number of lists going about foodstuffs we will need. The fridge and cupboards are stocked. I buy extra batteries. I buy shit I may need but have no immediate call for – why yes, we do need six cartons of yogurt. You never know when a random yogurt moment may hit.
A few years ago there was an egg shortage at Christmas, and I literally got my hands on the last dozen eggs at Sainsbury’s. Since then I am a muppet when it comes to eggs. Right now I have – and I am not kidding – almost 4 dozen eggs in this house. In total, the recipes I have lined up will need 8 eggs. Yet when I went to the shop I saw that the eggs were a bit low and thought: Fuck, the eggs are running out! Buy buy buy!
Somewhere an exhausted chicken wants me dead.
I was at Waitrose today buying up the last of the needed goods. It was chaos in there, and I was trying to remain calm. Yesterday Alastair went to Sainsbury’s, where he said that they had marshals to help people park and that the pace within the store was no greater than a humble shuffle. I think I would’ve had a nervous breakdown. Waitrose was bad enough, and when I was headed to the checkout I realized I hadn’t bought any bread.
Bread! We need bread! The shops will close! Shannon 1 screamed.
Easy, Alastair bought a fresh loaf yesterday, Shannon 2 admonished.
But we’ve used four slices from that loaf already! We’re down four! We’re down FOUR! panicked Shannon 1.
That’s true. Maybe more bread? Shannon 2 agreed, prying Shannon 1 down from the ceiling.
I can’t get back to the bread aisle without swinging my handbag like numchucks to get through the crowd! hyperventilated Shannon 1.
Ok, let’s just calm down. After all, you bake. Just bake more bread. Shannon 2 said soothingly.
Yes. Yes, you’re right. Shannon 1 said, breathing through her nose. I’ll just buy 67 bags of flour and 422 sachets of yeast, just in case.
See, Christmas doesn’t stress me out. Buying presents? Decorating? Christmas spirit? Dead easy.
It’s the food shopping.
Alastair always goes to Waitrose 30 minutes before they close on Christmas Eve to get bargains. Last year he came back with two Platinum free range hand-fed by dancing pixies, raised-in-cashmere-lined-houses-and-given-back-rubs-every-six-hours turkeys. They were priced at £80 each but since it was closing time on Christmas Eve, the manager sold them for £5. We still have those fucking things in our freezer. He likes to saunter into the shop before it closes and scoop up a bargain.
Just thinking of it gives me the shakes.
When we did big food shopping last week in preparation for Christmas, we consulted the list as we made our way to the checkouts. Alastair asked if I could think of anything else I wanted.
“Tequila,” I said with an air of desperation.
He thought I was kidding.
I wasn’t.
-H.
I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one out there that panics only about the food part of shopping for Christmas! I went yesterday, and I will go everyday up until a few hours before they close for something that we might need. And our stores are only closed on Christmas day! So sad, I am.
Wishing you,Alastair and the Nick and Nora a Very Merry Christmas. And may Santa be good to you all!!!
One can never have too much Jose Cuervo. After all Jose is a good friend of mine to have with a little salt and lime. Wasn’t that a song years ago??
Merry Christmas and a much better new year is on its way.
BTW could you please explain Boxing Day and Burns night?
And hoping for Maggie’s recover.
we did waitrose on monday … not leaving house now apart from a quick trip to collect meat order tomorrow!!
m x
I stocked up on four loafs of bread and put them in the freezer- you never know. You never know!
;-)
Lily
please. If the world ended, say from nuclear disaster, you could start your own business re-finishing everyone’s charred furniture! You would be totally useful and I predict quite successful! ; )
I am quite the opposite…when I’m in the grocery store, I’m in food world. It’s a different and peaceful place. Sure, it’s annoying when there are other people in my way, but I’m gathering supplies that will become delicious treats.
It’s the gift shopping that annoys me…
Tequila.. nice one :) though I fancy some now… Have a good Xmas and I hope Maggie gets better x
I’m so glad my Target down the street has a small grocery section now. I bought eggs and butter last night, actually.
What you describe is commonly known around the Pants as Toilet Paper Disease. I get twitchy if I get below 6 rolls. And not regular rolls–the mega rolls, which are like, 1244 rolls in one. It’s why I have so many multiples of things. Need a stapler? I’ve got 4. Envelopes? What size? I’ve got them all. Pens? I can’t count that high. Tape? In bushels. Toilet paper? I gotcher wedding dress right here, ladies.
Which is not to say I wipe my ass on marriage–I was thinking of bridal showers. Which actually, I would like to wipe my ass on. I hate all that crap. But no, toilet paper wedding dresses at bridal showers. ….okay, I’ll shut up.
Cuervo Clasico will help you get through ANY crisis, especially the holidays!!
The local supermarket is closed for two days so I’m trying to be rational and not stock up for a week long siege. I have trouble with my elbow and can’t carry much so I went yesterday and today to spread the load. Yesterday was fine, today there were no spaces in the car park, not even those that are such a hike that no-one ever parks in them.
Toilet rolls – I start getting anxious when we are down to the last 12. This is in part because there is only ever me that thinks to buy them, I am the TP fairy. The rest of the family probably think that they grow on trees.
I have to balance these urges, because of ants.
Yeah, two weeks ago we had to throw out three garbage bags of food because of an ant invasion. In the pantry. And I had to wash some jars of jelly that they inexplicably loved despite the fact that there was no way for them to get in. (Maybe there’d been some breakage in the shipment, and the clerks washed the jars but not well enough.)
I HATE ants.
So… yeah. I try not to stock up too much on some things because the thought of throwing them out due to invasion really sucks.
Seriously off topic but I had to share… since you’re a fan of Etsy (and who in their right mind ISN’T?), you may bust a gut muscle over http://www.regretsy.com. Definitely the cure for what ails (especially after a slosh of tequila) ~
Oh God. Oh God.
I think you & I were actually separated at birth.
At one point I actualy wanted to hollow out a cellar into the hill and wall off emergency tinned rations. For, you know, the apocalypse. I muse about how to turn our hill into an island when the sea levels rise. I calculate how much acreage we need to plant to survive. If we run low – or, God forbid, out – of certain things, I go FUCKING CRAZY with anxiety inside.
You’d mightily enjoy – in the same, twisted way I do – John Wyndam’s The Kraken Wakes.
FUCK! Tequila for me is the only thing I’ve forgotten. And now it’s Xmas eve and we’re not going anywhere. Dammit.
I am of the humbug persuasion.
Hell is shopping for groceries after the 20th of december….
g
I have a similar neurosis when it comes to not wanting to run out of things. I got made fun of a lot when I was married. Now I happily stock the cupboards, and nobody makes jokes. It’s much better.