Sporting chance
Last night one of my favorite TV programmes, The Supersizers Eat, was delayed by tennis. As in Wimbledon tennis. As in strawberries and cream and champagne and polite applause and all that other ritual stuff. And, naturally, when one of my favorite programmes is on it gets pre-empted by Wimbledon’s latest ever played game in history, and played by a British lad, too.
Here’s something you may or may not know about me: I love TV.
Here’s something else you may or many not know about me: I don’t give a flying fuck about sports.
This is why being with Alastair is good – he’s not into sports either. He’ll watch the European or World Cup football finals, but he’s not really that assed about it.
I see sport as something that robs TV of so many other things it could be showing. Not only will I not watch sports on TV, but I don’t watch sports in real life. My take is simple:
- Tennis. I don’t have a clue how it’s played. It’s all quiet and polite and ball boys and a ref in a lifeguard chair. They throw words around like “deuce” and “love” and the like. I actually watched the end of the Wimbledon because I wanted to watch a grown man cry. I am fairly sure that the “edge of the seat ending” stayed “edge of the seat” for almost an hour. And when he did win I didn’t see any man tears. I felt let down. The premise of the game is two (or four) people smacking a fluorescent thing back and forth over the net. Why not remove the net, it just gets in the way? In fact, why hit a ball back and forth, it could just cause injury? Perhaps skip the rackets? My proposal: stand there and drink gin and tonics. Much more fun.
- Baseball. The longest game in history. I get it, it’s all tradition and hot dogs and peanuts and cracker jacks, it’s stats and America does good and yada yada yada. It’s also hours and hours out of your life. Average game is, what? Five hours? I don’t even want to knock boots for 5 hours straight, why on earth would I want to sit in uncomfortable bleachers shouting at men with tobacco in their mouths?
- Golf. I love it when I hear men say “I play golf to enjoy the scenery.” Right. That’s like “I read Playboy for the articles.” It’s like a chick saying she goes shopping to hear the elevator music. PASS.
- American football. I never really got the game. Sure, I get the premise. I mostly understand. Strap pads on. Get big beefy guys to crash into other big beefy guys. Skinny dude streaks down the side, hoping to avoid big beefy dude attention. One man throws an elliptical ball at him. People shout. There are downs. There are lots of downs. We love this game why exactly?
- Rugby – where brain cells go to die.
- Hockey. Ok, now I’m in. I love ice hockey, but I only ever liked watching the Dallas Stars play. I got the rules, I love the smell of an ice rink, that sharp almost metallic sound, but the truth is American hockey is nowhere near as athletic as European hockey. The ice rinks over here are much larger, meaning the players have to work that much harder. They’re not allowed to fight, they’re not allowed to punch each other, it’s about putting the biscuit in the basket. That, and the players over here don’t suddenly skate to the side while the network has a commercial break which, let’s be real, is kinda fucked up. Too bad the sport’s not more popular.
- Basketball. One of the few games where hey – size does matter! I’ve never enjoyed basketball because if you’re there watching, the court reeks of copper-smelling sweat. There are endless sirens and bells going off. And the constant squeak of the soles of the basketball shoes on the court does my head in.
- Cricket. Stickety wickets, LBWs, rules that you need a degree in physics to understand, and a game that can take 3 days yet have no winner. Don’t even get me started.
See? Sport is pointless. It’s all about chasing random balls around random environments. The point of all that is, what?
-S.
You forgot soccer- and, my all-time favourite: synchronised swimming. Aw.
I hear you on baseball, American football, golf, and cricket. Although the latter does give great commentary: Bill Bryson does it best (quoted extensively here: http://exitrowseating.blogspot.com/2006/11/cricket-and-other-things.html).
I must respectively disagree with you about rugby. and if you like ice hockey, then field hockey might be worth a look. alas, balls are also involved.
Broadly agree… But! But! But!
Rugby = the legs! Worship the legs!
Cricket = getting falling-down drunk on a beautiful summer evening accompanied by the gentle ‘thunk’ of the ball hitting willow, followed by a weaving walk home in the twilight. NO CLUE who won. I was the scorer at game of village cricket once – the opposing team turned up so short handed that every male spectator was drafted in on emergency basis – and it put 10 years on me.
I submit that for cricket and tennis, reading the commentary is much more entertaining than watching the actual games. Exhibit B, from the Guardian re: Andy Murray at Wimbledon:
“As has been suggested before, THE NEXT PERSON TO SHOUT “COME ON TIM” IN THE MISGUIDED NOTION THAT IT IS IN ANY WAY AMUSING SHOULD – NO, NOT SHOULD, MUST – BE DRAGGED ONTO THE COURT AND VIOLATED WITH A BOTTLE OF ROBINSON’S BARLEY WATER.”
Can you imagine not to be interested in sports at all and have a son or daughter being an absolute soccer fan with some talent? Would you drive him to threehundredthousand soccer games per year standing by the field, looking interested although not even knowing the rules? We did it, had to. For ten years. At least my husband and me got a lot of fresh air.
You forgot the only sport that has ever been worth watching…
ROLLER DERBY!!!!
ahem.
But yeah, sports? meh.
I’m not a sports watcher myself. But I love half-time of a minor league baseball game – “dizzy bats” and “sumo wrestling” can make me laugh til I cry, every time.
*sigh* And here I thought I loved you.
Baseball is proof of the existence of God. That’s all I have to say about that.
I must respectfully disagree with you about hockey. The European rinks may be larger, but that actually makes the game easier. There’s more room to skate, and wider passing lanes open the game up. I took my German brother-in-law to an NHL game, and he was amazed. He said that the 1st period looked like the last minute of a European game.
Let me note in passing that about half of the NHL players are European.
As my Texican husband would say, if those so-called SPORTS involved GUNPOWDER chasing any type of ball around any type of field/rink — THAT would be a sport. The rest? Yawn.
I’ve been reading for quite some time and this may be the first time I had to grab my heart and want to cry…. :-) I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree this time. Although hockey I find ridiculous no matter the rink. Football and hockey I can do without, but I think is interesting if you’re there watching, I can’t watch them on TV. But I have to be honest, my spring and summer is basically planned around a baseball schedule. We are taking a vacation this year, but had to wait until All Star break to give me 3 days that I won’t miss any Cubs games. Go ahead, shake your head if you must, but I love them! :-)
Take care,
Vicki
GO CUBS!!
QoB, your comment about COME ON, TIM made me laugh donkey laughs.
But Pony and Roller Derby? Waves of fabulous. Where have you been all my life?
I know you love TV, which is why I love you.
I am on the fence about some sports. I loathe golf, soccer, tennis, and especially boxing. Yet growing up with a brother who is a walking sports almanac and remembering warm summer nights sitting with my dad listening to baseball on a crackly radio, I do find comfort in watching a game of baseball (both Scott and Veronica play ball). Football, as an ex-marching band geek, I could take or leave.
I’m with you on all of them (especially baseball) – except for American football. I love football and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I think all sports need more tackling. I’m not allowed to hit people in my life, so the next best thing I can get is watching the big beefy guys on my team take the other guy’s feet out from under him and slam him back to earth. Plus, it gives me an excuse to eat junk food once a week, and I love junk food.:)
I like one activity involving balls. Okay, no…two. One involves playing with my dog. The other involves playing with my lover.
Other than that…yeah, not so much. I like the way you think.
You are a fellow derby fan? Be still my heart!!
I actually saw the Texecutioners play Gotham Girls’ All Stars (NYC) a few weeks ago and it was 100 tons of awesome wrapped in cotton candy.
There is a version of the latest incarnation of derby playing in London (http://www.londonrollergirls.com/)and they are hosting the first European tournament in July. Sadly I don’t have the vacation time or the $ or I’d hop on a plain to see the European incarnation….
Can you tell I’m a bit obsessed???
I personally hate participating in sports, but I’ve kind of grown to like watching them on tv. But mostly because I like watching tv, but everything on these days seems like such mindless drivel and catering to such a low intellect. I’m certainly not a big fan of any sport, and I could care less who wins, but I think it makes nice background noise. But cricket? no way. and soccer/football I find pretty boring too – which is bad because Seattle now has a big MLS team that my husband is completely worked up about.
Me too, and I couldn’t care less about tennis. I think the Robinsons’ barley water part may have made me break something:)
Not with you on cricket I’m afraid. No better way to while away a summer’s afternoon. And the legs on the men playing field hockey are excellent if you aren’t interested in the sport per se.
Wow… strange. I hate sports and like hockey too! I visited a friend in Calgary, attended a live hockey game, and fell in love.
Amateur sports are great! In fact, there’s something magical about going out to a baseball field on a Summer night. It’s nice to be out in the Summer air with the junk food, the lights, and watching kids play their hardest for the love of the game. And the atmosphere on a college campus on a cool, autumn day when they have an American football game truly is special.
I enjoy playing most sports more than watching them, but I thoroughly enjoy watching American college football. It’s like crack to me. :) Plus, it’s a good way for me to stay connected with my alma mater and root for the “good guys”.
But like you, I too get a little annoyed when a sporting event (or worse yet, an unnecessary Presidential speech) delays or preempts my favorite tv show. There’s so few tv shows I like anymore, so it rarely happens now.
As a mom who has spent many, many Saturday mornings inside a local arena drinking bad canteen coffee and cheering on her boys I have a love/hate relationship with the game. Love the smell of the rink, the energy from the kids and the relationships I have made with other bleary eyed parents. Hate the early hours, the smell of their gear after a game and the long drives to away games.
All other sports … meh.
I couldn’t have said it better myself! I grew up with 3 brothers and sports blaring on the TV 24 hours a day. I felt then (and still do now) that it is such a grave injustice sports are constantly displacing better television. So unfair. Also, I’m thrilled there is another UK man on the planet not that interested in sports. I thought my husband was the only one! He’s constantly pestered with questions from newly arrived ex-pats demanding to know where they can watch the footie. They are met with blank stares and “er…sorry mate.”
I agree, I don’t have time or a level of interest to watch sports.
I love baseball, but that’s because I’m from Boston and we’re like that. We love our Sox and we will knife-fight you if you say a bad thing about them. That said, I really only watch it on TV during the playoffs.
All other sports, though, can FOAD.
Wait, I take it back, figure skating can live. But ice dancing cannot unless Torville and Dean come back. And men’s lacrosse/soccer, but only live, shirtless, and when I’m nearby. *grin*