Weighty matters on the mind
I’ve been getting a lot of flack about my decision to lose weight.
I want to explain some things here about it.
First off, if I post pictures of myself (as my narcissistic leanings have me do) then of course I am going to not show the worst bits of myself. If I hate how sections of my body look then why am I going to show them off? It’s bad enough that I routinely get linked to on Flickr by men who are members of groups called “Muffin tops”, “Big is beautiful”, and “Fat wives”. That’s kind of enough for someone like me, who has a seriously fucked up self-image. It’s like adding fuel to the fire, if I show you the parts of myself that I am not proud of, then it will simply add to the repugnance.
I look in the mirror and am not pleased. I have wobbly bits. A number of them. Love handles, pituitary patch, I have them. And yes, my children are a gift and the reason for the flabby skin on my stomach. I get that. I get that people look at their stomachs post-childbearing and think it’s a badge of honor. I’m awed and humbled by those women. To me, I see imperfection in my stomach (not in theirs). I see reasons why someone won’t want me. I see failure.
My metabolism is changing. Absolutely. Before I got pregnant I weighed about 160 pounds. Yes, really. I now weigh about 145. At various times in my life I have weighed substantially more than 160 pounds. I cannot recall ever weighing less than I do now. My BMI is bang on “perfect weight” in that stupid chart that calculates BMI, a chart which I can’t help but feel means nothing.
Likewise, I can’t recall ever not thinking that hitting 120 pounds would be fantastic. That would be the pinnacle. That would be perfect. And yes, I get it that at my height and body build it would make me look like a lollipop. But for some reason, weighing so little makes me think I would feel so good, even if the truth is I know it wouldn’t.
I’ve been dieting for two weeks – no carbs, no fat, no sugar, no sweets, no dairy, and I lost 2 kg. And that’s it. That’s all of it. I’ve been exercising and dilligently watching what I eat and there’s nothing going on. I even had the flu for 24 hours, wiping everything out of my digestive tract and stomach (I know, the “eww” factor there is high) and still – no further weight loss. I just can’t lose any more weight, and I really want to.
I’ve made no secret of battling anorexia and bulemia in the past. It’s all behind me, even if I do still lean towards wanting to purge, wanting to purge it all out, wanting…just wanting.
Alastair is absolutely not in favor of me losing weight. He is not the instigator of this. He tells me he honestly thinks I look perfect, and I believe that’s how he feels (and hey-flattering!). He tells me that he thinks my body is perfect and that I am dead sexy. Jeff tells me that I’m crazy for wanting to lose weight. I love them both for saying so. I believe that they both feel that way, I just wish I was in agreement. I wish I could grab hold of my handles and stretchy stomach and rejoice in it. I wish I could rejoice in knowing that my man finds me dead sexy.
But I can’t.
I’ve been asked if this weight loss thing is about control. Let me say this now: Of course it’s about control. It’s absolutely about control. I don’t know why I’m doing this, I just know that I am. It’s not because things are bad at home, because we’re doing well. It’s not because Jeff and soon Melissa are here, because I love them. It’s not because of job stress, because I just got promoted and got a project I’m beginning to like.
But I’m trying to do something all control-y and do it healthily. I have people (wonderful people) dieting with me, watching me and helping me. They are helping to keep me from doing stupid things like starving myself. Because I am absolutely aware that I have two fabulous babies and I need to be healthy for them, but I know myself enough to know that food restriction is something that is a trigger for me.
I am eating. I really, really am. Three times a day, with the occasional snack. I have not once starved myself the past few weeks, nor will I.
And I’m not losing any weight.
When the flu subsided on Tuesday night I made myself two pieces of peanut butter toast. I wanted to cry because I was eating them, yet they were the best two pieces of toast in the history of toast. I hurt, yet I love.
I see my Couch Man today. I will talk about it with him. I have a short amount of time after that, during which my camera and I and my London song for tomorrow (Lightning Seed’s “Perfect”) will do some damage. Then I have a meeting and a business dinner, something I haven’t had in ages, and yes – I will be skipping the bread basket.
We’ll see how I do on the rest of the dinner.
-S.
maybe that’s your body telling you enough; and that’s on the upper limit of safe weight loss per week (as far as I’ve read). also, what do you think is going to happen at 120lb that isn’t happening now?
hope your couch man can help with some insights. best of luck.
Maybe the flu will help kick start a bit more weight loss, sometimes your body takes a while to get into the groove if you know what I mean. Hope that you feel better tho … poor you! All of you!
2kgs sounds not too bad tho … well done for sticking with it :o)
M xx
Well, in my experience and hours upon hours of being talked at about nutrition and whatnot, the not-losing-weight thing may well be an indicator that you’re at your set point and your body is resisting the move from its happy place. But 2kg in two weeks is not too bad. In fact, it’s about right for healthy weight loss. More than 2lbs (yeah, not converting that) per week generally means your metabolism is going to fight back and that you’re going to start reeking of ketones, which I’m sure Alastair would not be keen on.
I get the bad body image thing. I do. Especially because my doctor’s scale is perpetually out to get me. I would kill for a flat stomach and thighs that don’t start fires when I walk. Unfortunately, me and healthy dieting do not yet have a working relationship.
Is it weird that I know exactly where you are coming from? My partner hates that I want to lose weight, but I still do.
And I know I need to eat, but sometimes? Not eating is just so much easier.
(I should add that I am 5′9 and 59kg [130lbs])
I am trying to persuade myself that if I dont like the wobbly bits (and I don’t) I need to exercise my way back to my previous bodfy shape rather than (not) eat my way back there when I recon I would be lighter but still wobbly. It isn’t working yet. Easier to find time to eat less than find time to exercise.
I really need to proof read before I post too.
I know exactly how you feel Shannon but I agree with D. You’re body is telling you something and you really need to listen. Those wobbly bits you worry about will not disappear whether you weight 145 or 120.
I admit that I am a tiny person, always have been, except when I am pregnant. After G was born I thought everything would slip back into place like it had before with my other two pregnancies but it didn’t. I weight the same as I did after starting treatement but everything has shifted. There’s a flabby tummmy that looks like a mother cat’s when I bend over, tits that need to be rolled up and stuffed into a bra to look presentable, ass that has decided to head south to retire and there is only one way it will go back. It is not diet or excersise is going to change that but expensive and painful surgeries.
I’m learning to live with it. Maybe one day I will learn to love my body again and it is my sincerest wish that you will too.
I’m 5′10″ and have been stuck weighing between 180-185 pounds for a year and a half. Periodically I get to 180 but never under. My goal is 175. The last 5-10 lbs are always the hardest. :)
It’s hard to know when one should just accept who he/she is and be content and when one should really push to achieve a goal. Here’s my concern w/ weight loss. Unless I/we are willing to sustain for a lifetime the meager eating habits we need to get to & maintain our ideal weight, we’ll be right back to our old weight within a year or two. Just food for thought…pun intended. :)
That’s a good idea to talk to your couchman about it. I think you are beginning to turn into this vicious circle of anorexia again. Your body tells you what is right, there’s absolutely no need to loose weight. And anyway, no weight control nor excercises can fix streched connective tissue after pregnancy. 120 pounds would mean looking skinny and not sexy any more.
Listen to your husband and Jeff, they are absolutely right.
Love yourself, you are beautiful, just as you are now, and stop this nasty weight control program. It’s destructive.
Love,
What you are describing sounds like the what I think is the most brutal aspect personal of Ehler Danlos Syndrome. The normal effects of loose skin that happens post pregnancy around the stomach and hips are magnified due to the collagen defect that is caused by EDS.
To be honest after I had my kids I was so unhappy I had an abdominoplasty, and as brutal as it was I do not regret it. However it takes 6 weeks before you can pick up anything heavy and a good week before you can walk upright as you have an incision from hipbone to hipbone. The surgeon also stitches together the rectus muscles which where permanently separated during pregnancy (to allow the uterus to come out of the pelvis). This strengthens the abdominal wall and gives you a flat stomach. After surgery you have drainage tubes for a couple of weeks and have to wear a compression garment so it is something for when the kids are older, but it may be something to think about if you need something permanent.
It is something that you have time to think about. I did not have mine done until my youngest was a teenager, and everybody could live without me for 2 weeks.
It is not covered by insurance, even for those of us with EDS, so cost is also a factor, plus the risk of anesthesia, plus the whole, shouldn’t you love yourself as you are thing. But to be honest, I carried a spare tire around with me for 15 years and I loved myself exactly the same, it was just easier to move and I was more comfortable, so I did it.
Now, about weighing 120 pounds, I think that that is some American magic number. I am not sure why we believe that that is some holy grail of happiness by I know several women, myself included, who think that if we weigh 120 our lives will be perfect and everything will be roses. Where did that come from?
The key to weight loss is not deprivation, but healthy reasonable eating in all food groups! …Some more than others. Drink loads of water all day long. Eat foods with fiber, etc. etc. The weight loss will come without a struggle. Good luck!
Maybe you already thought of this, but instead of focusing on losing weight focus on toning up your problem areas. I know that is what I need to get working on. I am past careing what the scale says and working on what clothes fit and how well they fit and trying to keep my stomach from hanging over my waistband. If I ever get AC at my house or get my sorry behind motivated doing a few situps at night would be a good start. ;)
Toning up your muscles will not only bring the dangling bits back to their correct location but building muscle burns fat. A win-win.
Good luck and I think you are quite lovely, but you know, I am your balding, old stalker from Wisconsin. ;)
Even if you are not able to see this yourself: You are beautiful, slim, and lots of people love and admire you greatly.
Take courage. The couchman will surely help you to get acquainted to and learn to love yourself.
You are a fascinating person.
L
I am surprised you are getting flack for wanting to lose weight. I would venture to say that the flack stems from our concern for you, but I cannot speak for others.
I trust that you know yourself well enough to do what is right. I know that Alastair is at your side, as is Couch Man, and that you will not do anything that would endanger you. That is WHY I never made an issue out of it.
I think you are amazing, beautiful, and that you have a killer body. But I don’t live in your skin. I hope you make peace with who and WHAT you are, because Shannon, you are exquisite.
Not that I know shit about this stuff, nor do you care about my opinion, but, I think your body is probably telling you that you are at the weight it wants/needs to be at to be healthy.
I haven’t been too concerned about your weight loss, only because as a former anorexic and self starver I haven’t been reading the all too apparent warning signs. True, I am only getting info that you are wanting to share, but having also known a fair share of anorexic/bulimics in my life (my aunt died of anorexia basically, just like Karen Carpenter-her heart stopped), those tell-tale signs are always there, whether we recognize it ourselves or not. I have not read anything that overly concerns me-while it is true weight is always about control, it is a completely different kind of control when it comes to eating disorders.
I am overwieght, and according to the BMI chart, very obese. I think that chart is trash, not just because it calls me obese, but when I was at my thinnest, 118 pounds, the chart still had me in healthy range for my height. To see me in person though was a different story. You could see every rib, my spine stuck out, my clavicle protruded. I had strangers stop me and tell me they were concerned. I looked like hell. For me, even at 5′3″, my ideal weight where I look good and I am healthy, is somewhere around 140. We all carry our weight different-numbers mean nothing.
And it is true-reaching our “ideal” weight doesn’t mean shit. I have been numbers that I once longed for in high school-was I happier? No, even when I was eating healthy to hold onto a good weight it was a struggle every day. I had to exercise my butt off, couldn’t even look at cake without gaining weight. I have come to a place now where I need to tone up, build up my endurance, but I no longer wish to hold onto a certain number. I just want to be in better shape. Some people may think that I have let the obesity win, but as I see it, I have quit waging war on myself-I am at peace with my body. If I eat a piece of cake at a birthday party, I won’t lay in bed all night beating myself up with guilt. Most of the time, because we all have bad days.
Know what else? My weight barely budges at all, even with healthier eating and increased exercise. I like D’s idea that my body is telling me something-guess it likes me fat! Seriously, even with all my sickness recently I think I lost about a pound. I don’t know-I don’t even own a scale. Only when I visit the doctor do I get weighed. If my pants start feeling snug, I know I need to hold back on the snacking. Even when I was stick thin, I had a stomach pouch. I am not meant to have a flat stomach-hours with a personal trainer and no progress tells me that. If your stomach really bothers you, a tuck might be the only answer-and there’s nothing wrong with that. My girlfriend had a baby at 15. She was very athletic, ran track and cross-country, and went right back to it after the baby came. I remember senior year looking at prom dresses, and when she changed she showed me her belly-all loose skin, hanging like that familiar apron does. It was so funny to see this athletic, firm teenager with this middle-aged women’s belly. She joked she just tucked it into her underwear and she was good to go, and no one was the wiser. That image has stayed with my forever and reminds me just what a bitch Mother Nature can be.
As far as the perverts linking you, that really floors me. Some guys are just wierdo’s. It reminds me of a time we were in Florida, and this bum who played the banjo for change told me Scott and Veronica could be models. Then he looked at me and said I could be too, maybe one of those “large lady” models. “Your beautiful”, he told me “the big ladies would love to see you modelling clothes”.
I am somewhat in your boat having had a child. I look at my stomach and I am not pleased with what I see. Sometimes I am pleased with what I see in the mirror but not often. I am trying to lead a healthier lifestyle exercising and eating better but something throws me back and I am sidetracked. I have a goal weight in sight too. Have you considered a juice fast or Bikrams Yoga? That shit apparently works… I am on the verge of trying it myself for different reasons but weightloss will definately be an added bonus.
FWIW….
I think there’s some confusion here. I also think you’re body is telling you something you’re not entirely willing to hear.
It seems as if your body has found its preferred weight, given your change in metabolism, etc… If it was otherwise, you’d probably be gaining weight, not more or less in stasis.
But you do have a point, and that’s what I want to address.
I don’t think losing weight is the answer, but toning yourself with the right kind of exercise is the answer.
Yes, you’ll probably lose at least a little weight as a result anyway, but if the issue is flab, dieting isn’t the solution – the right kind of exercise is. And focusing on how to get what you want with the right activity is a good first step.
My two bits, hope it helps…
I probably have no room to talk, being well on my way to blobdom. But given the stresses, past and present, you’ve been through, many of us can’t help but be concerned about your sudden interest in weight loss. I call it looking out for a friend. Beyond that, where you want your weight to be is nobody’s business but your own. I could’ve predicted Alastair’s take on it, and of course he’s happy the way you are and just concerned. As far as the weirdo links, those are the asses that need kicking. Besides, some of the fetishes such rejects of society have are really creepy…
I feel the need to reinforce that no matter how many crunches she does or how much exercise Shannon does it will not change the fact that the skin that she has is stretched out from her twin pregnancy and due to the defect of her connective tissue disorder once it was stretched out it will never go back. It does not matter how thin she is, nor how good a shape she is in, that skin will always be there, unless it is surgically removed.
I am not advocating that she do that, it is a very personal decision, and not one to be taken lightly. But that it the reality for many women post pregnancy, especially those with EDS. So rather than have Shannon spend the next years beating herself up because she cannot get that four pounds of skin from around her middle (that is what mine ending up weighing, and I went down 2 pant sizes) I just wanted her to know that she was in this situation through no dieting or exercise lack of her making. Becauce we know she has willpower.
Pretty much everyone has said it… your body is comfortable at it’s weight and there is extra stretchy skin. I’ve had three kids… I love my kids… I hate the stretchy skin. I also hate the fact my rib cage expanded and wonder if I can find some device that will compress it for 9 months and press it back down to where it used to be. Did I really admit that in a public forum? Evidently.
Anyway, I’m there with you. People think I look great, don’t need to lose weight, and I hear all that you’re hearing. I’m a marathon runner to boot. (Not a good one…) What I’m finding is I’ve not been eating enough. I accidentally ate too much one week and lost more weight than I ever had. So it could be a case where calorically, you truly aren’t taking in enough because your body is thinking it’s going into starvation mode, where you and I know that’s not true. (You say you’re doing it safely, and so I believe you.) You may want to up your caloric intake a bit, not with bad stuff, but just increase it for a week and see what happens. Nuts, avocados, healthy fats, etc. It may be you’re not intaking enough fat.
Also, I have read that once you get down to a weight you like, it takes 6 months for you body to want to stay stable there. Just another thought… if you find the weight YOU are happy with, you have to be able to maintain it for quite awhile for your body to think it’s your norm.
I am absolutely… 100% there with you. The difference is I have not figured out how to do it healthy yet. Food restrictions is 100% a trigger to me. If I start saying I can only eat certian things or I can’t have other things I just stop eating all together, which I’m not sure is helping the situation.
I wish you all the best of luck!!