Nine Years Ago
Nine years ago today, there was a wedding.
To this man.
It was a nice day. He was a nice man.
The bride wore ivory because this was her second marriage. She was kinda’ trailer trash like that.
They got married in a little church in central Stockholm, one that had been around about a thousand years or so. Then they settled in a nice flat, also in central Stockholm.
Before they bought a house that she loved mightily.
It was a funny sort of house. It was, actually, only one bedroom. It needed a massive renovation in the basement. There was never enough hot water. But there was an ancient fireplace in the living room and a pot-bellied stove in the bedroom, and she loved having a fireplace in the bedroom to keep her company on those freezing Swedish nights.
Things were ok.
She was thin.
Very thin.
And life hadn’t taken its toll all over her face yet.
(Sorry. Got a little sidetracked into some self-hatred there. Lemme’ pull this plane back up here.)
But she wasn’t happy. She loved her husband. She loved him a lot. He loved her a lot. But she wasn’t happy.
She couldn’t talk to him.
Then again, she couldn’t talk to him from the beginning. And it wasn’t a language thing. Her Swedish was ok, his English was excellent. It was two people who loved each other but who couldn’t communicate. He would sit on a comfy chair in the living room in the evenings, nursing a glass of whiskey. He would let her curl up on his lap, where sometimes she would fall asleep. It was the one thing they did that made them feel close.
And then there was his temper.
He had one, see. He’d never hit her, luckily. There was no hitting. But he had punched walls. He had jerked the emergency brake on her car up while she was driving down an icy road, nearly causing her to slam into a pole, but he’d never hit her.
Still.
They grew further and further apart.
They were polarized by children (she wanted them, he was on the fence). The future (he wanted to move to China and have her not work, she wasn’t interested in that). And the past (she had one, one that included loving a man named Alastair. He didn’t.) She was broken inside. He didn’t know how to fix her.
Then she lost her job.
He saw that as the chance to take a job in China and bring her with him. She would be a Company Wife. She would live (no shit) on a compound with other Company Wives.
She knew she couldn’t do it.
It ended.
And sometimes she thinks of him. He’s still in China, where he moved when she moved to England. She wishes him all the happiness in the world. She genuinely, honestly, truly hopes that he finds someone to love and who will love him in the way that she never did. She was not the one for him. She hopes he finds her.
She has learned, in life, to not regret some of the things she has done.
She has learned not to regret loving and marrying him.
She does regret ever hurting him.
And she wishes the rest of his life nothing but laughter and light.
-S.
First- you have are thin and the years have enhanced your beauty.
Second- was there not a time you harbored ill feelings toward him? You have progressed.
Third- Shannon and Alastair have been connected for a long time. Must be meant to be.
Post and photos excellent.
I love that last photo at the end. Very…what’s the word…contemplative. And the photo with the skaters in the background, well – it makes me want to skate.
You were thin. You are thin. You are making a stranger worry with all the weight talk of late.
Love that house!
You are happier now-that is what your pictures tell me. Some things are just not meant to be, and some things are. Good on you for not regretting loving him. Hurt, I think, always has regrets-even if the hurt was unintentional or even needed.
What Charles said. :)
You are an amazing, beautiful soul. I want you to know that.
Can I jump back to the self-hatred thing for just a second?
Those pictures where you were so thin? Yeah, it looks like your in the same wedding dress on the last picture, and I believe that is post babies. Wedding dresses aren’t really stretchy lady, and if anything the sizes run (effing) small so chances are your probably close to the same size, but your body shape may have changed post lemonheads. Life is running it’s course and has made you who you are and how you look, I think your damn gorgeous.
Shannon, the weight thing is growing out of hand. 6kg is 15 pounds. If you lose all that, you’re going to look like a concentration camp victim.
I’m with Pants on this one. You will look extremely sickly if you lose that much weight. There is a difference between gaining weight and having your body shape change. That said, I think you should go eat some cheese. :)
The house is lovely. Your story…sounds a lot like that of my ex-wife and me. Reading your side of the situation has been a bit healing for me, actually. I’ve stopped blaming myself (or her, for that matter) quite so much for not being able to make something work that just wasn’t meant to be. I won’t lie and say that don’t miss her sometimes, but I’ve learned to move on, and realized that I could actually love someone again. I’m sure that he’s been able to do so as well, and I’m glad that you’ve been able to find some reconciliation with that part of your past.
I think I love you even more after that post. Is that ok?
And I agree with the others. Whether you believe it or not, You’re gorgeous. Right now. The way you are. Accept it, woman!
Glad Ms Pants raised it. We love you babe – but we also know that when things start to feel out of control, limiting when and what we eat is a way to feel in charge. It’s a slippery slope.
my two cents… x
You were a beautiful bride and you are still beautiful – and more healthy looking.
I once dated a guy who got so mad over a game of bridge that he rammed his fist through the wall of his apartment. I never went back because I knew that if I stayed with him, someday that fist would ram my face.
Babe … I think you look more beautiful now than you ever have, and you have always been beautiful if these photos are anything to go by.
M xx
Okay, whoever put the idea in your head that you need to lose weight needs their ass kicked. Seriously, I’m not kidding.
Thanks for sharing the pictures – and the story. All are lovely.
Seems like everyone is “weighing in” on the weight issue, and while I’m hesitant to do it, too, I feel compelled to offer a quick 2 cents. First off – I agree with everyone else that you look beautiful, both then and now. But, I know all too well how weight issues can get all twisted up in our psyche. How we appear to others and how we perceive ourselves are often vastly different. A hundred people can tell you how lovely you are, how you are already thin so don’t worry about weight, etc etc, but it does nothing to quiet that mean, critical, self-defeating voice in our heads. I really wish there were a way to quiet that damn voice (even when I think that maybe I’ve finally gotten past it, it will crop right back up every once in a while).
Good wishes.
And just a side note on the body issues— my family’s always danced on the borderline of hypoglycemia, and I’ve found that my moods are easier to manage if I’m not bone-thin. You might want to keep track of your moods in relation to your weight, because I’m pretty sure that “too thin” comes with a nasty mood penalty.