51 Weeks
In exactly one week, my babies turn one.
One week.
It’ll be a nice day – we’re not having a massive party or anything, just family. I’m taking the day off of work (actually two days, as next Thursday the babies have their one year check-ups and vaccinations). The babies are taking a day off of nursery. Angus’ folks are coming over, and naturally my folks are coming over. My dad and stepmom aren’t coming alone – they’re bringing the babies’ Obaba (my stepmother’s mother. “Obaba” is a Japanese term that translates roughly to “grand dame”, and it’s considered a term of endearment) who sews them amazing things and has the biggest heart of anyone we know. And it’s not just Obaba coming – also coming is the babies’ great-great-aunt, Obaba’s sister, who is coming all the way from Osaka.
I cannot express how amazing and important it is to me to have the babies surrounded by people who love them so much.
We don’t have a massive event organized, but I do have special decorations. The babies have special “I’m 1!” shirts, as well as hats sent from Obaba. They will each get their own cake. They have their own gifts. I know that the day won’t make a whole lot of sense to them, and if I know them like I do then undoubtedly they’ll be much more interested in the wrapping paper than the presents, but I want a celebration for them.
I know this party is more for me than for them, as they’re too young to understand what it’s all about.
And as it approaches I find I am going to pieces.
In yet another example of how I saw other women go through something and thought I’d be different, the truth is I’m not. I’m very, very emotional (it’s a fucking perfect time to have PMS, I tell you. You should simply steer clear of me. And for the love of god, will the TV people please cool it with the RSPCA and NSPCC commercials? I come unglued every time I see one.)
I can’t believe a year is gone and yet I can’t believe it’s only been just a year – haven’t they been here forever? Weren’t they always in my life? Yet a year ago this was me. Clearly something has changed.
Yesterday Nick was being a total asshole. Today he was smiles and laughter and even took his first tentative crawl, followed by his second. Nora clapped her hands, crawled to our large glass doors, and raised herself to her knees as her little hands tapped the windows, watching the other side. Every day is a new day to both of them, there is something to explore and learn about every second they’re awake.
I watch these milestones, these events, these moments, and I try so hard to log them in parts of my memory where I keep things I know I’ll want forever. I know all parents do it. I also know I do it because Nick and Nora are the only children I’ll ever have. In some ways I’m glad – they are fantastic and amazing and a pain in the ass and every day just gets better and I love my family exactly as it is. In some ways, though, I’m incredibly sad – this is the best time of my life so far, and a part of me wishes I could have more children. But there’s the whole “hey, it took five years and five IVF cycles to get this far, babe” thought, as well as the fact that pregnancy and I? Not so great together. Not to mention Angus is now 46 and adamant that we’re done with the family, and the truth is having these two was hard enough on us. Add more and I’m not sure we could make it.
So I watch my two every day. They can frustrate the hell out of me (note to Nick: the pasta that I know for a fact that you love? The stuff you screamed about last night and threw a right tantrum over? Guess what you’re having for dinner tonight, babe! Love from Mama!) I see them bloom into real people, people I want to get to know. They’re still small and definitely still babies, but they’re my babies and I ache watching them grow, all the while celebrating every little thing they start to do.
One week from today, they are one year old.
I am flooding with memories so ripe and tender that I think I may break apart from the very scent of them.
-H.
Oh, Helen, that was beautiful. And they are beautiful. And I know exactly what you mean.
Please try not to feel sad. You have so many lovely memories to make.
I wish I could take your hand and bring you into the future and show you how much you’ll love them when they are truly a young lady and a gentleman of 20 – but you have to trust me when I say there is a certain feeling when they’re there that you cannot describe.
Or when they’re 17 and they’re so much like you, you can’t hardly breathe because of the love.
Or when they’re almost 3 – and you think you’ll trade them to the first person who offers enough cash – “They come with clothes and toys!” on Ebay.
You just have to watch and wait.
And enjoy! Don’t forget enjoy!
xoxo
They are so beautiful. I can’t believe it has already been a yaer. My Bo won’t be far behind.
That’s a great photo of them – so cute. I know just how you feel, Helen. There’s nothing so bittersweet as a mother’s love and memories.
They’re adorable! And I love those little jackets with the ears. I know what you mean though about those commercials.. The SPCA commercials here make me want to go out and adopt every dog I can find.
I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. Thank you for sharing and letting us watch them grow. They’re a beautiful little babies (eep, toddlers, almost)!
Now you have to tell us where those cute little jackets came from. I think I need one for myself…err, I mean my daughter.
I should really proof read before I post.
How is it possible for one year to go by so fast??
Oh, and by the way, they have gifts coming from Auntie Donna, but f-ing Amazon would not let me put in any gift info so…. Happy Birthday Nick and Nora all the way from Dallas!
I want one of those jackets!!! They kinda remind me of the yippers on Sesame Street. yip yip yip yip yip yip yip…. I always wanted those guys to come visit *my* house in the middle of the night. Damn the luck.
And also, this quote has made my entire day: “Yesterday Nick was being a total asshole.” I love when moms have the wherewithall to know when their kids are being less than perfect angels and call them on such.
I remember this so clearly. The 5th of every month I would say E is 6, 5, 4, months away from being 1. The closer it got the more panicked I got. Something about the milestone of 1 was traumatic for me. Closing in on 2 hasn’t been quite as hard. Just 3 months, 1 week, 2 days.
Isn’t it amazing how quickly time has passed, and how quickly life has changed?
We’ll be celebrating two days before you (on the 1st) and honestly, every day after that. Our children are miracles, even if they don’t want to eat the pasta that we know they actually like.
Hugs. K know just what you mean. We all do. These days I just want to give Michael the longest hug he will allow each night…I wait all day for it. He is 14…soon to be 15, 16, 17, 23, gone…
And, more and more he just reminds me of myself and his Dad in our teen years and it’s scary. Hold them as much as possible. Smother them with love!
I’m grieving right now for another baby. Even though we can’t afford another child, even though I don’t even like being pregnant, I am grieving.
It doesn’t make much sense. :(
Would it help if I promised you that the second year having twins is WAAAAAAAAAAAY easier than the first one?
I’m not saying it is easy – just easier.
The more they are able to communicate the easier it is to deal with issues.
Look at those rosie cheeks!
One year, already? Really?! How is that even possible?
Paaarrrrttttay!
That is so wonderful …
Thanks for the visit, Helen!
Here’s what I get when I try to sign you into my “following” file at blogger:
http://everydaystranger.net – Could not detect a feed for this URL.
I do have you on bloglines, so I don’t know why blogger can’t detect a feed. I just wanted you to know (not that it matters one whit!)