It’s All Just Noise
Way back in university I took a Feminist Culture class, or what I now think of as my Angry Crunchy-Granola Lesbian class (this is not a slur-I LOVE lesbians. I think lesbians are GREAT.) When I took this class I had to write a dissertation on the differences between men and women, and although this topic itself is so large that it would take the Library of Congress to host all the info, I narrowed it down to the layer of communication between men and women.
Or, in this case, the lack thereof.
I researched hard on this topic because I actually found it very interesting. The class in itself was quite a venting mechanism-the instructor was an anthropologist who’d earned her Ph.D. by analyzing the rubbish in a rural French village (this made no sense to me but, like a lot in anthropology, if you mix it with a small dose of magic mushrooms everything becomes clear). She was also someone for whom the correct answer to any and every question was ‘Men are bad.’
If what Tannen says is true (and I believe it is) mr. kenju and I are classic cases. He is a fixer of the first order, so sometimes I don’t tell him things that make him want to ride in on his white horse. In fact, when he gets to that point, I point my hand in the air and sing :
“Here I come to save the day…….” (Mighty Mouse)
Eh. As someone who played D&D in the early 90s, I can say you didn’t miss a thing.
“Woman: Honey, do you want to go to the garden shop and look at the new Spring arrivals?
Man: Not particularly, no.
Woman: OK then. We won’t.”
Yep. See, I’d go for the other option, which is “Why do I need to go with you? You’re interested in that…I’m not. It’s not like I drag you in to my online gaming world, is it? No. Because I know you don’t care about it.”
Or something like that. :)
Kenju, when I was a kid I had such a huge crush on Mighty Mouse. I wanted to marry him when I grew up, as in a child’s world, if doesn’t occur to you that marrying a cartoon character might be a wee bit difficult.
Funny how I’ve changed my perspective on mice over time.
good post. as damaged goods, I’m seeking reassurance quite a lot from the bf. He doesn’t always get what that means or how to make it better. I may make him read this. :)
I had a class/teacher like that in college as well. Philosophy and Feminism (I was a philosophy major). I thought we were going to talk about women philosophers. I was wrong. I was not very favored by my teacher because I just couldn’t hate men and told her so in class regularly.
By the way, loved this post! I’m so making this required reading for the hubby. There’s no way I’ll get him to read the book so I might as well make the effort with your post :)
My husband always uses what he calls his “wife calculator”. In all honesty I have gotten a lot better about just telling him what I want. He always ask me why it is so hard to just say what I mean. I ask why he always thinks he has to fix everything. Funny how people can just fall into certain roles.
My women’s studies class was a taught by a man-hater too. I remember at the end of the semester feeling so drained by all the hate and bad-mouthing, and so glad it was over. When I signed up for the class I thought it was going to be more about understanding women’s role in history-instead it was a blame game, and men were the enemy.
And Helen, when I was a young girl I was positive that one day I was going to be Mrs. Sylvester the Cat, and live happily ever after with our son Sylvester, Jr.
See, I had the opposite. I had a psychology class with a misogynist. Please tell me how a man that hates women landed a teaching position at an all women’s college. It’s actually quite a miracle that at four years at that school I never had a class with a man hater. Maybe there were some, but the focus was more on loving supporting your fellow women than placing blame on men.
I am, without a doubt, a fixer.
Dating Eva Longoria, I am up for that as well.
Somehow I never went through that phase…. I must be a terrible woman….
Oy- perhaps one of the few interesting pragmaticians, and I didn’t read her enough. From what I got out of what I did read, women put much more emphasis on meta-messages.
Totally wanna read that book though- and in case it isn’t said enough, le blog is fabulous.
please don’t shoot me for asking this, but have you ever read the mars/venus book? i haven’t, but i’ve been told it is a good read for discussing communication differences between men and women. i’m curious now to know if it coincides or even draws from the book you mention here, or if it contradicts it. it’d be an interesting look at how communication might have changed over just a few short years.
great read. thanks!
Absolutely fascinating!
The thing is, I mostly talk to men. The only woman I really know is my mom – how sad is that? So those men? I deal with them all day long. Sometimes some insights are welcome.
Thanks for an interesting post, I think I’ll look up the book you mentioned.
Helen, you write so beautifully. This is a great post – you ought to submit it to some magazines.
I think it is very cool that you studied such interesting stuff at university. I would love to go back and spend a few years studying now that I’m an old fart. But have to pay the bills and all!
My husband is always, always, always trying to fix things. I am finally learning to say, Sweetie, I’m going to the garden shop, you can come with me if you like. Nine times out of ten, he comes with me.
I also learned that he hates it when I change my mind. I have a bad habit of saying, Let’s go to Outback for dinner. He always says yes. Then I think, maybe he really wants to go somewhere else and as we are getting ready to leave the house, I’ll say, we could go to habenaro’s if you would rather. I worry too much about doing what he would like to do – at age 53, I am learning that if he doesn’t want to do what I suggested, he doesn’t have to do it and he can speak up. Makes for a better relationship. I’m not totally sure a man can step out of the knight in shining armour mold!